unwell..and i miss him..

I've been working from home for 3 days in a row. From mentally and emotionally unstable, now i'm down with flu and sore throat. today, i feel like i'm having fever, so I went to see the doctor.but the doctor said my temperature is normal??? whatever..
i couldn't sleep last nite. I woke up almost every hour. My whole body ached!! For a while I thought, am I gonna die tonight?? Then my crazy mind started thinking.. if this is my last night, means i don't have to suffer from missing him anymore.. which is good coz i really cannot stand the pain any longer.. but then when i looked at my dear princess, how could I ever thought of leaving her alone in this world?? how could I? i know very well how hard and how painful it is to lose someone I love with all my heart.. how could i let dear princess go through that terrible experience???what kind of a mother I am?
well, then i thought, if God wants it to be that way, what can I do...it's just beyond my control.. and Allah swt knows best.. all i can do is to pray that Allah swt will always give His bless to my dear princess and myself to go through this life..we will never know what's in store for us in future...but I know as long as I believe Allah swt is with me, I will never be alone..

May Allah swt be with us every step of the way..

One fine day

.. i miss him.. so very very much.. it just makes me wonder, how long more can I stand this..

i'll pray i'll love him forever..i hope i can keep my promise.. ke akhir hayat.. coz he did keep his..

May God let us be together again.. one fine day... in the afterlife.. the eternal..i'll wait, as long as it takes.. insya Allah..

February 13th, 2007

was doing some clean up of my "My Document" and I found this:

My heart stopped for a while when I heard it. I waited patiently for him at home. As I opened the door, he hugged me. He looked so calm, but only God knows the fear he felt inside. We drove to his parents'.That 5 minutes drive felt so far. The news was like a massive bomb! The old man tried to act calm, but his worry were written all over his face.. tears in that old lady's eyes.. Shocked, sad, disbelief, denial..all were now mixed up..and he sat there beside me and started crying..without a word..i think there would never be a correct word/phrase to describe what he felt inside..All I can say was "ye sayang, sabar ye"..wish I had better words to say..but at that moments, my mind just couldn't think properly as I tried to calm my ownself down and gather all the strength I have in me..I kept on thinking "Is this for real??"..that night before I closed my eyes I prayed to Allah swt for forgiveness and begged Him for something more pleasant.. and some good news tomorrow.. that this is all a mistake..but, if this is really something He already planned for him and us, then who I am to say No..but please, please and please God give him and us the strength and patience to go through it with 'redha'..please make us strong and we promise we will keep on fighting!!but,silently deep inside me, my heart was crying as our certain future now becomes uncertain..how i wish to wake up tomorrow and realize this was just a dream..but now I know this is no dream..this is for real..of all people, he was chosen for this challenge..he must be very special..and I'm so honored to have him in my life..

kancil & jazz back-to-back

today blk from office ikut LDP. lalu in front of e//..teringat time dulu i fetch him.. will wait for him in front of the lobby sampai pak guard tu jeling2.. how i really miss those time.. missnye nak fetch abang kat e//..then teringat sometimes kitorang akan blk together but in separate cars.. normally he would drive the kancil and i'd drive jazz.. how i wish the kancil ade kat blakang tadi..it makes me really-really sad..btw, last saturday, BIL got engaged. i was invited to join the occasion. a day before the day, dah rasa mcm takde mood and malas nak pegi..entahla.. tetiba rasa sedih tu dtg and teringat balik our engagement day.. on the day itself, it got worse! i couldn't even look at ceremony menyarung cincin and photo session.. and paling2 i couldn't stand is bile the part the girl's mum nak sarung cincin to BIL..teringat sgt2 pd dia.. rasa mcm ternampak dia je kat depan tuh.. rasa mcm nampak everything that happened on that day.. rasa terdengar each and every word that came from his mouth.. at that moment, i feel like my tears boleh kluar anytime!! afraid that i would end up crying in front of the crowd, i told my mum i wanted to go back.. no questioned asked.. we headed home.. the event dah finish anyway..just tinggal sessi bergambar je.. i wonder how i'm going to attend BIL's wedding nanti.. sure akan lagi multiple times sedih dia.. entah.. abg, i miss you so much... dah lama abg tak sapukan lotion kat nani..dah lama tak rasa abg punya reflexology..dah lama tak dengar abg ckp "sayang abang sikit".. i miss you..i really really miss you..

wedding video

thanks to adi&farah, now my desktop has firewire plus 2GB RAM!! so last night i transferred some of our wedding video from the videocam to my desktop. watching the video made me smile, laugh and cry!! see him smiling, kissing me..man! it's just so real! then i started reminiscing..it hurts so bad!!next thing i know, i just couldnt stop crying! it's coming to 8 months now. you've left me that long!! the pain, the missing part do not get any lesser..only now i think i can control my mind from reminisce too much.. i have to, otherwise i can lose my mind. and it's so very-very painful that i cannot stand it. i can't stand the pain. i feel like my heart is pulled out of my chest! almost 8 months has passed.. but i still keep your shirts hanging in the closet.. your shirts and pants are all in the closet, i still have all your shoes in the shoe rack.. all those stuff inside your notebook bag is still there..except i have returned the notebook to e//.. i still haven't terminate your phone line, i still have your aftershave, your shampoo in the bathroom.. am i being denial? i don't know.. i don't think so..it's just that i cannot do it.. i cannot stand the thought that you are gone forever.. i know you are gone.. but by giving away your belongings to other people make me feel like i "agree" to that idea that you gone.. it's hard to explain.. am i crazy?? hemh.. maybe..

do you think i'm strong?

A few weeks back, i have a short chat with a friend who then told me "I think you are strong"..my reply, "you think so? i guess i have to.. for my daughter" then all the way sampai rumah i keep on thinking.. it reminds me to the time he was asking me "do you think I'm strong??" hemh.. is that how ppl see me? do i really look "strong" to their eyes? what makes them have that impression? because i don't cry?or bcoz i can go to work? or bcoz i smile? or bcoz i'm still breathing?? what is it? well, it may seem like a small matter.. but i really wanted to know why did they say that? Even myself can't tell if i'm strong or what? I have to go to work, i have to take care of my daughter, i have to not cry, i have to do it no matter how much i say i don't want to.. does that make me a strong person? personally, i'm not sure how to label myself.. i sometimes find myself not wanting to think that he's gone.. and i just tell myself he's with me.. somewhere.. i'm not trying to deny the fact, but i just can feel his presence in a special way that nobody can ever understand..and i'm very comfortable with it. i don't cry..hemh, is it so? well perhaps not in front of public.. coz i don't think it's worth.. and i don't want people to think that i'm asking for their sympathy.. my tears are saved for some other special time which people don't have to know..well, regardless whether i am really strong, or i just look strong..it doesn't change the fact that i miss him terribly and i can't even get him out of my mind. it also doesn't change the fact that sometimes i still wish this is all just a dream and i wish i can have him back!! it's like i'm having a dvd player in my head that continuously playing pictures of him, of us.. all those times..those moments..which make me cry all the time down inside. i fought hard not to cry in front of my daughter especially.. i don't want her to feel that she's lack of "something" not even a tiny bit..i want her to grow up like other kids despite what happen.. she might not know her daddy, but hey, I know him pretty well.. I will make sure she "knows" her daddy one day..but of course, daddy's love can never be replaced by anything.. insya Allah, God has saved that for her in the afterlife.. as long as she continue pray for her daddy, the connection will always be there.. I believe that's the best ever gift a daughter can give to her parents..after all she still has her "super-mum" who loves her so very much that nothing in the world can match!!;-)

May God give you strength

a week before Ramadhan started, I was shoked by an email sent to our yahoogroup - K.Ina Leng's hubby passed away! Managed to trace back the sms of condolence from her las time, I sms her.. not sure what to say, I just wish her takziah and ask her to sms me her address whenever she can. I was thinking what was the thing that I really wanted to hear at that moment last time.. "be strong".."life goes on".. those are very "plastic" words I guess.. actually what i really wanted to tell her was.. "i might have been in that position - losing your soulmate..but I am really sure what you are going through and the experience will not be the same..but all I know it hurts terribly that I can't even imagine and don't want to recall how it feels like".. i couldn't help but let my mind flew to those moments..those days..