detour!

It's not that bad. I'm enjoying this (mcm la there's anything to enjoy pun).. so far so good.. couldn't ask for more.. couldn't type much now.. the screen is too big!! don't feel comfortable at all.. will be right back with full story soooonnnn.....

cergas! cergas!

as usual bila tgh stress i will block this blog to anyone but myself. why? don't ask. how does that help? don't ask either. it's just in my to do list whenever stress takes over! :-)

so apakah tanda2 stress selain block blog for public reading? pimples. cakap mengarut. gelak. nak marah. nak nangis. tak selera nak makan. over sensitive.. what else? pegi shopping, end up semua beli brg semua color kelam. oh yesterday i went to office wearing black kurung and black tudung. serius rasa mcm pelik. myself rasa pelik. org lain, maybe la. masuk2 lif je sorang kawan dah tegur. apa ocassion? then si minah yg selalu suka ajak pegi lunch, just say ok when i say no.. hehehe. tak berani nak pujuk lebih2 kot. hehehe. pastu sorang kwn lagi kata "hitam betul hari ni".. tanya dia mcm org balik dr kubur tak? ke mcm artis baru pegi mahkamah syariah. so dia pilih yg ke 2 :-) mq ckp should pakai baju merah and sunglass besar baru ade gaya AA;-) ptg nak visit ija's newborn admitted to sjmc. ingat nak blk tukar baju sbb mcm semacam la plak dressing camtu pegi hospital. tp sebab hujan n dah lambat, kensel. and today srg kawan baru nak tanya, "mana mau pegi smalam.. so sweet je pakai mcm tuh (ehem!).." hahaaha..

so today, still not in good mood. tp tak kroniks sgt. juned ckp "cergas! cergas!" hmmm.. tu la kan. mcm mana nak mencergas kan diri?? i know.. stop thinking!! buat je apa2 patut.. but buying new car, definitely not in my list... at least not now... :-) sorry ye. hasutan tak berjaya :p

5

..5 days to our 5th engagement anniversary.. hehe... kira ke tuh??

i miss you la sayang..

inspiration :-)

went back to SA house this afternoon. saw this in the box while searching for sthing else.. his fav cap! took it home with me. wearing it and feel like he's so close. are you here...???

bijak bijak

kelmarin dlm kete nak gi alamanda.. erina buat nakal dia.. pastu i said " erina cube duk diam sikit.. kang mami goreng erina kang baru tau..." guess apa erina jawab...

"camana nak goreng erina... erina bukan mee...."

HAHHAHAHAAA.. tergelak besar kitorang dlm kete!!!

nice shot ;-)

this is one of my favourite shots so far.. erina was trying to hide herself after she heard me knocking the door one evening.. to be greeted by such beautiful face and cheerful smile after a stressful day at the office is definitely a mood lifter.. reminds me how fortunate i am.. ade nampak mcm one of the scenes dlm movie cinta tu tak? the one rita rudani tgh playing around under the blanket..hehe..

going there again..

last year and early this year, i really really wish it's not gonna happen. when they started talking about it, i have already set a plan to tell the boss upfront that i wouldn't be able to make it. the thought of being a few timezones away from her kept on reminding me of the unbearable separation. i couldn't. i was not ready. besides, the thought that he was sick the last time i was there kills me. you know.. how i wish i knew. how i wish i didn't go. how i wish i was not that excited to go and leave him behind to go through the minor surgery alone! i couldn't even imagine how he was SHIVERING LIKE HELL..ALONE (!!!!) in the room downstairs while everyone happily watching tv upstairs.. i could still remember he said "sedih.. demam sorang2.. menggigil sorang2.. kalau nani ade sure nani akan temankan.. i miss you so much.."

just another 7 days genap 20 months he left me.. i just left her a few weeks back.. it turned out quite ok and not something i couldn't handle.. perhaps knowing that she's awake when i'm awake, she's asleep when i closed my eyes, rasa mcm lega sikit.. we could probably meet somewhere, some time in the dream world.. so last week, when the news spread that we'll be visiting the place again, i was kind of teruja.. but, unfortunately, it didn't last long..

the conversation on air ticket, hotel, jacket, what to bring, where to get that, when, how to go there etc triggered a flash of not-so-welcomed memories... something i don't want to remember yet never ever i want to forget! the excitement is gone, even the smile! everything about it becomes very annoying! i couldn't stand seeing the eagerness in their faces and hearing the excitement in the voice! why am i not as excited? ok perhaps they are looking forward to the "side plan" that's already well lined up (on co. expense... certain part of them..hehe) no i'm not jealous. it's me who chose to come back. i insist to be with her on that important day!

i thought i was ready to wake up when she's probably having her afternoon sleep. that's me trying to think simple and limit the thinking. but the truth is.. it's more than that.. now i'm thinking.... he's not gonna accompany me do some shopping, he's not gonna stand there watching me trying those 20 jackets and give comments and select one for me. he won't be there to tell me what type of shoes i should buy, what else i need to keep me warm. he's not gonna annoy me anymore with his 100 times reminder how many hand luggage i carry, he won't be there to answer me when i ask "eh, besar sgt tak bag ni? poyo tak pegi kejap tp bwk bag besar giler?", he won't be there to prepare my vitamin supply, my first aid.. he won't be driving to the airport... and definitely no goodbye kiss and hugs this time...

and though i've lost my beloved full-of-sentimental-values phonis (couldn't write about this loss without being sentimental.. so better don't start..), i can still remember some sms he sent me related to that last trip...

"sorry tak dpt tunggu nani pagi nih. i will send you to airport tonight.. biz class for biz trip.. bukan training"
-that friday morning he has a meeting with customer in KL. so we went to office in separate cars.. and he always was so jeles that we got to travel in biz class...

"i miss you already..tiba2 betul2 terasa nani dah pergi.. biasa malam2 mcm ni ade.. jaga diri bebaik ye sayang.. enjoy your trip"
-the first sms i got when i reached scp airport.. i wish i can forward that sms back to him now..

"it's ok.. make sure you don't lose important stuff your passport, wallet.. beli je yg lain a good one kat sana.. no regret.. don't worry..."
-he sms me after i gave him a short call to say i left my jacket at the biz lounge KLIA (i think..yeah, despite all the reminders!!)... and believe it or not.. this is among the initial instinct triggered that something was wrong or going to be wrong.. he's never this cool.. at least not without all the bebel first..


i couldn't even start thinking about reaching there, being there.. but good thing is we'll be staying in different hotel, going to different office...i don't think i want to sit at the same place from where i made a call to him... or where i sat chatting on ym with him.. if i really have to do this.. (yeah.. it's kind of confirmed now..).. i hope it won't be so 'cruel' to me.. it won't be so "torturing"...

i miss you so much more................

exhausted

i am extremely tired.. physically, mentally, emotionally..

can i stop the world for a while? or should i wish to fastforward the world instead?

current state

erina is my heart beat. i am forever thankful to my parents. family is a bless. i look forward to graduate but so malas and lost nak buat thesis. i like some part of my job and wish i can discard all the other parts.. or even better if i don't have to work yet my bank account is "refilled" each month. i enjoy my friends companion. swimming is a good stress release. i don't want to appear too skinny but "you gain weight" gives me a shiver. nowadays i don't reason my actions. guess am still self searching. selfishness, decision making, leadership are consistently in my syllabus. leading family of 2 is already taking up all my energy. i forgave, i may hv forgotten but it may take me a lifetime to accept you back. i like u but there's always doubt. i miss having that someone who take care of me, spoil me, spare his ears for my craps, who thinks all my questions matter to him, who think my life is as important as his. i miss being that someone who makes his day, someone he will look for to share all the good and not so good news or simply his normal day, his own craps. i miss being that someone he trust so much that sharing with me is a blessed, instead of a responsibility. i miss being that someone so important to his life, someone to whom he refers to for opinion, whom he always looks forward to spend his time with, whom he still head over heels with after so many years. i miss being his baby, be his pillar of strength, his reasons and his dreams. i miss the feeling that i belong to him, i'm his. i miss pampering him, caring for him, smiling at him, talking to him. i miss being myself for him. i miss to hear "you mean everything to me". i miss being that someone he loves so very much for everything i am. i miss having someone who adores me so much, who think having me around is a gift and he is so lucky, so blessed.. who thinks my flaws and all the minus points are nothing compared to what i mean to his life.. and i miss having that someone i love so very much, i care so much, someone i want to spend every moment of my life with.

i am thankful and grateful for everything i have now.. i look forward to the future.. i know i need to move on.. I AM moving on.. but letting go the pass kills me.. it's suicidal! how can i let it be a history.. i want to keep them all with me all the time..through every second, every sorrow, every happiness.. now and forever.. as long as i live.. i miss him.. i'm sorry if it's not acceptable.. he is not just part of me.. he is ME.. he's in my blood..........

what do we want?

Daripada Sayyidina Khalid bin Al-Walid Radiallahu ‘anhu telah berkata :
Telah datang seorang arab desa kepada Rasulullah S. A. W yang mana dia telah menyatakan tujuannya : "Wahai Rasulullah! sesungguhnya kedatangan aku ini adalah untuk bertanya engkau mengenai apa yang akan menyempurnakan diriku di dunia dan akhirat". Maka baginda S. A. W telah berkata kepadanya "Tanyalah apa yang engkau kehendaki ":

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi orang yang alim
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Takutlah kepada Allah maka engkau akan jadi orang yang alim

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi orang paling kaya
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Jadilah orang yang yakin pada diri maka engkau akan jadi orang paling kaya

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi orang yang adil
Baginda S. A. W menjawab: Kasihanilah manusia yang lain sebagaimana engkau kasih pada diri sendiri maka jadilah engkau seadil-adil manusia

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi orang yang paling baik
Baginda S. A. W menjawab: Jadilah orang yang berguna kepada masyarakat maka engkau akan jadi sebaik-baik manusia

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi orang yang istimewa di sisi Allah
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Banyakkan zikrullah nescaya engkau akan jadi orang istimewa di sisi Allah

Dia berkata : Aku mahu disempurnakan imanku
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Perelokkan akhlakmu nescaya imanmu akan sempurna

Dia berkata : Aku mahu termasuk dalam golongan orang yang muhsinin (baik )
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Beribadatlah kepada Allah seolah-olah engkau melihatNya dan jika engkau tidak merasa begitu sekurangnya engkau yakin Dia tetap melihat engkau maka dengan cara ini engkau akan termasuk golongan muhsinin

Dia berkata : Aku mahu termasuk dalam golongan mereka yang taat
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Tunaikan segala kewajipan yang difardhukan maka engkau akan termasuk dalam golongan mereka yang taat

Dia berkata : Aku mahu berjumpa Allah dalan keadaan bersih daripada dosa
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Bersihkan dirimu daripada najis dosa nescaya engkau akan menemui Allah dalam keadaan suci daripada dosa

Dia berkata : Aku mahu dihimpun pada hari qiamat di bawah cahaya
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Jangan menzalimi seseorang maka engkau akan dihitung pada hari qiamat di bawah cahaya

Dia berkata : Aku mahu dikasihi oleh Allah pada hari qiamat
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Kasihanilah dirimu dan kasihanilah orang lain nescaya Allah akan mengasihanimu pada hari qiamat

Dia berkata : Aku mahu dihapuskan segala dosaku
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Banyakkan beristighfar nescaya akan dihapuskan (kurangkan ) segala dosamu

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi semulia-mulia manusia
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Jangan mengesyaki sesuatu perkara pada orang lain nescaya engkau akan jadi semulia-mulia manusia

Dia berkata : Aku mahu menjadi segagah-gagah manusia
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Sentiasa menyerah diri (tawakkal) kepada Allah nescaya engkau akan jadi segagah-gagah manusia

Dia berkata : Aku mahu dimurahkan rezeki oleh Allah
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Sentiasa berada dalam keadaan bersih ( dari hadas ) nescaya Allah akan memurahkan rezeki kepadamu

Dia berkata : Aku mahu termasuk dalam golongan mereka yang dikasihi oleh Allah dan rasulNya
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Cintailah segala apa yang disukai oleh Allah dan rasulNya maka engkau termasuk dalam golongan yang dicintai oleh Mereka

Dia berkata : Aku mahu diselamatkan dari kemurkaan Allah pada hari qiamat
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Jangan marah kepada orang lain nescaya engkau akan terselamat daripada kemurkaan Allah dan rasulNya

Dia berkata : Aku mahu diterima segala permohonanku
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Jauhilah makanan haram nescaya segala permohonanmu akan diterimaNya

Dia berkata : Aku mahu agar Allah menutupkan segala keaibanku pada hari qiamat
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Tutuplah keburukan orang lain nescaya Allah akan menutup keaibanmu pada hari qiamat

Dia berkata : Siapa yang terselamat daripada dosa?
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Orang yang sentiasa mengalir air mata penyesalan, mereka yang tunduk pada kehendakNya dan mereka yang ditimpa kesakitan

Dia berkata : Apakah sebesar-besar kebaikan di sisi Allah?
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Elok budi pekerti, rendah diri dan sabar dengan ujian (bala )

Dia berkata : Apakah sebesar-besar kejahatan di sisi Allah?
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Buruk akhlak dan sedikit ketaatan

Dia berkata : Apakah yang meredakan kemurkaan Allah di dunia dan akhirat ?
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : Sedekah dalam keadaan sembunyi ( tidak diketahui ) dan menghubungkan kasih sayang

Dia berkata: Apakan yang akan memadamkan api neraka pada hari qiamat?
Baginda S. A. W menjawab : sabar di dunia dengan bala dan musibah

Telah berkata Imam Mustaghfirin: aku tidak pernah menjumpai hadis yang besar dan merangkumi kesempurnaan agama dan bermanafaat selain hadis ini….

congratulations my dear friend!

still not over the excitement of bali, rosli, jun and I plus Erina headed to bandar melaka.. this time for a different mission..we were invited to attend the much awaited wedding ever, boleh? exaggerate la tu kan..hehehe.. alhamdulillah...it's an honour to be there! during the reception dinner, i just couldn't hold back the tears.. it's a mixture of feeling very2 happy for both of them and at the same time missing abang so very very much!!

to my dear ely, congratulations my dear.. insya Allah, this is just the beginning of many more great moments.. patience is the key to everything and i guess you have proven it! my salam to you my dear friend.. and welcome to this new world..may this new journey bring you the true happiness and love that last a lifetime! may God bless you always.. now and hereafter...

to irf, i know i don't have to tell you this.. but nak jugak cakap :-) please and please take a really good care of her ok..

congratulations to both of you!!!

emmm.. i'm not sure if i can post picture of the newly wed here.. hehe.. so here's a picture of my sunshine in melaka tgh tunggu rombongan the groom's brothers sampai.. my baby girl is not so baby anymore, don't you think?? :-)

bali trip!!

due to stress level yg almost reach the peak, me and my partner in crime, jun, telah mendapat ilham to have something extra BIG for stress release.. BALI!!!!! the other option was phuket, but after much thoughts, ok.. BALI IT IS!! it was all started with some bosan chat one noon.. and "serius? yes, serius!" later saw all the preparation and real action done.. the news somehow got into pakcik rosli's ears who with no hesitation nak join these 2 crazy ladies!! so there we were! i must say i owed both of them VERY2 much! from setting the dates, the flight and hotel booking and all other arrangements! thank you so much guys!! i am sorry i don't contribute much...

i'm not going to write psl bali here.. not good at describing.. tak pandai nak bercerita :-) i believe jun and rosli would do so :-) but bali oh so great!! i love the sunset at jimbaran & uluwatu, lunch at kintamani, shopping, spa.. list goes on.. all in all, we had so much fun!! crazy and fun!!!

oh, i decided not to take erina with me this time.. tak larat nak dukung dia la kan..miss her very2 much! sbg replacement, i have already planned another holiday trip with her... soooooonnnnnnn!!!!!!!!! i can't wait!

life plan

live one day at a time.. i've been doing it quite well i guess.. but 20 months had passed and suddenly i have this feeling that it may not really applicable anymore.. my achievements so far?? gosh! how can i have achievements when i don't even know what i want to achieve??? i need a life plan..

i love you till the end

The Pogues - Love You 'Till The End Lyrics
PS I Love You Soundtrack

I just want to see you
When youre all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I cant escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You dont want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why dont you just take me
Where Ive never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end

..how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life..
http://movies.about.com/od/psiloveyou/a/pssongs111507.htm

truly...

..out of words..

wherever i go, whatever i do..

i miss you so much...
i love you till the end...