wish not fulfilled

"nani, abang nak jumpa erina la.."
"oh ok. nani gi tengok if diorang still kat luar. nani bawak erina masuk.."
"ok"
as i opened his room door...
"eh nani jap, ambikkan specs abang.."
i took his specs on the table and help him to put it on...
"ok cepat tau..abang nak tengok erina puas2.."
he sounded very2 excited.. i could see the glow on his face..

outside the HDW, no one was there. they were gone..i was unsure.. should i go back and tell him that they've left? or should i wait until they come? but, where are they?? immediately, i call his sister..

"korang kat mana?"
"kitorang dah balik.."
"kat mana dah? pusing blk pls.. abang pis nak jumpa erina"
"kitorang dah jauh.. dah nak sampai cheras dah.."
"alah. pusing la balik.. pls pusing balik pls.."
"jap..nanti kitorang call balik.."

i felt heartbroken. disappointed. how was i supposed to tell him? or should i still wait outside HDW until they come back? but, were they coming back?? well, time was so precious, i'd rather spend every second with him than waiting something unsure..

he saw me through the glass window.. his face changed..

"mana erina??"
"diorang dah balik la sayang.. nani suh dia pusing balik.. diorang kata nanti they call back"

I WILL NEVER forget that disappointment look. i broke his heart!
the phone rang.. i passed the phone to him..

"rafiz, kitorang dah nak sampai cheras.. tak sempat la kot nak pusing balik, sbb emma nak blk.. kang takut tertinggal bas.."
"oh ok.. takpe la"

that "takpe la" sounded different to me..

"maybe petang nanti kitorang dtg jap bawak erina"
"takpe la.. kesian kat erina pegi balik pegi balik.."
"oh eh.. esok la kot kitorang datang ye"

now, i was very2 disappointed... i wish i told them to come back anyway! i wish i insist they come back! i wish i knew that, the tomorrow still came, but he could never laid his eyes on erina again.. and there's no more tomorrow after that...

'holiday' is going to end soon..

i just recovered from conjunctivitis and have been away from office since wednesday. i got 2 days MC for wednesday and thur, continued with AL on friday and monday. despite the red left eye, i proceed with my plan to go to pej tanah, banks and tabung haji with my sunglasses on :) people did give me one kind of a look, but what the heck. taknak la menyebarkan virus plak kan. tomorrow i'm going to office. took a peek of my mailbox, gosh! it's enough to make me feel sick again! i am burning the midnight oil to complete my target agreement, employee development discussion forms etc. yep, it's that time of the year again. i really hate doing this. last week, i had the first disuccion with my boss and he said, "it's free format.. you can put down whatever you want to do.. your plan for your career development" sigh.. i feel like telling him that i have no idea what i want to do, and i don't even have plan of what i want to do with my life..

erina is already asleep.of late, she keeps on asking about daddy, everyday without fail. today, the conversation went on a little bit more than usual..

erina: mummy, daddy mana?
mummy: daddy kat syurga la..
erina: bila daddy nak balik?
mummy: daddy tak balik dah sayang..
erina: camana erina nak jumpa daddy? erina rindu daddy..
mummy: erina takleh nak jumpa daddy la.. tp mummy kan ade
erina: erina boleh pergi syurga tak? camana erina nak pergi syurga?
mummy: erina pun boleh pergi syurga.. tapi erina kena la dengar cakap mummy, jangan marah mummy..nanti kena sembahyang..kena mengaji.. baru boleh pergi syurga..
erina: ok.. erina nak dengar cakap mummy..

it breaks my heart that this topic has to be in our conversation.. it breaks my heart that abang and erina don't have the chance to know each other well..

30

it's abang's birthday today. he would have been 30!! i wonder how he would look like? buncit tak dia? or rambut makin jarang.. hehehe. would he still shave his hair no 2? gosh i miss him!!

we have always wished to grow old together.. yet we no longer together at 30 yrs of age! people say life begins at 40, but how if it already ends at 28? 28 was such a nice number actually.. not to old, not too young :) a friend put on her FB status that she wanted to be forever young, and somebody suggested, forever 28! hmm...

anyway, i am still very grateful for the wonderful years God has granted me to be with him and have him physically by my side. it was such an honour to be part of his 28 yrs + 11 days life. he will always and forever be in my heart and my mind.. i am very certain he knew that very well..

semoga ALLAH swt mencucuri rahmat-NYA ke atas roh abang..

i love you so much sayang..

-------------------------

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME
Jon Bon Jovi



It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Solo

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

i miss you like mad...

i miss you like mad..
i felt happy that i heard you entered the bathroom this morning, yeyy! another 10 minutes sleep for me..

i miss you like mad..
i saw you standing at the door, half dressed, shivering while i ironed your shirt.. and as always, you never miss the "thank you" and the kiss..

i miss you like mad..
i could smell your aftershave.. you knew i always love you clean shaved.. that's how you look when we first met, our first date, our wedding day..

i miss you like mad..
i heard you said "we should have slept early last night".. i heard you said "erina, jgn buat mummy mcm tuh..mummy penat tuh.." i heard you said.. "thank you sayang, sebab bangun mlm buat susu erina.."

i miss you like mad..
i thought i saw your email in my mailbox.. just to remind me "drink a lot water!!" and "rindunya kat erina".. and as always, ended by "i love you sayang, yours always: your hubby"

i miss you like mad..
i smiled as we had our normal are-we-going-to-have-lunch-together and where-to-go session, started from an hour before lunch time..

i miss you like mad..
i thought i saw you in your grey shirt, black khakhis, clean shaved, very short hair (baru potong no. 2 ;) ) queuing to take your food and suddenly turn, smile and wink at me from far, in the middle of the crowd.. i always thought that was so romantic of you whenever you did that...

i miss you like mad..
i seriusly felt like i saw you in the car, waiting for me at the road side.. i could feel the excitement that the day was finally over and i was going home... to YOU and Erina...........

i miss you like mad..
i seriusly saw you in front of me, talking to me, telling me about your days.. the details of the sneak preview that i've already got from your emails, the ym, the phone calls earlier today at the office.. and i was pouring my heart out about this and that.. and as always..."let's migrate.. i couldn't stand this any longer!!"

i miss you like mad..
i thought i saw you at the dinning table.. concentrating on that laptop of yours.. working on the verdi, the candy, bla bla bla..noticed i was staring, you stared back and winked ;) i just love that! once in a while you picked up your hp, and while one hand was holding the hp, the other kept on clicking the mouse... i got up to get you your headset, you smiled and mock a kiss for me..

i miss you like mad..
i saw you walked to the kitchen.. i heard the familiar sound..then i heard "nani, makan vitamins!", i replied "ok.. jap lagi laaa" and before i realized, you were beside me.. with a glass of water and my vitamins in your palm...

i miss you like mad..
as erina was already asleep, i heard you said "macam lapar kan" and soon i found us in the kitchen, masak maggi.. maggi kari with kacang buncis for you and mee goreng indome for me.. teh-O panas and milo ais complete the menu.. :-)

i miss you like mad..
i found us stucked in front of the tv when we already said "jom tido!".. it's either 'amazing race' (repeat), CSI Vegas, or sometimes simply some tv shows that we never watched during other time yet at 1 am, it could get us glued on the sofa!

i miss you like mad..
i just couldn't sleep, i didn't want to see the bed coz it would remind me that you are not coming back.. and no matter what i saw or i heard, they were just in this small box in my head.. they are the memories that will keep me company my entire life....

no one else

i scolded erina. and while crying, she said..

"mummy jangan pergi.. kalau mummy takde, erina dah takde orang lain.."

her expression tells me she means it 200% though i'm not sure if she understands what it really means..

i hug her tight, silently pray Allah swt won't take her away from me, and me from her.. i pray Allah swt won't separate us from each other, ever... my heart cries with her, and still crying though erina is already asleep.. may Allah swt be with you always sayang...

Ya Allah! please make her journey in this world easy for her, please don't test her with something she cannot handle... ya Allah, please bestow upon her strength and patience to go through all the challenges... may she succeed here and in the hereafter..

the visit

i was dying to go visit his grave last night. my heart was probably there all night. i ironed my baju kurung before i went to bed, just to make sure i wouldn't be late in the morning. things around me are going crazier that i just wanted to be near him, wanted to be reminded how much i was loved before.

i left home around 8am. as the car moved heading to his grave, my mind was travelling elsewhere. it must be my heart that was controlling my hand, my foot, my driving. the heart was very certain where it wanted to be, that brought me to his grave. when i reached there, it was very quiet. the ground and the grass were still wet. Another 15 minutes to 9 but the sun has not shown itself yet.

I brought a bottle of water as usual. As I entered the graveyard, my tears were rolling down. I said my salam. I knew they could hear me. Silently, I said my prayers for them. Climbing the stairs, I reminded myself why I came. As I reached abang's home, the tears stopped. Suddenly there was a special kind of strength that got into me. Yeah, the same strength I had when I was accompanying him at the hospital. The strength that I have only when I'm near him. I sat there, said my prayers for him and for those who have joined him. Peaceful. Yes, very peaceful. I pray when my time has come to go back to my eternal home, I would feel just as peaceful.

enough is enough

i have too many problems, too many issues going on that i couldn't solve. it's just too much and the only way i am still able to wake up and stand on my feet is by telling myself it's not important and not worth it. i make myself busy, keep myself busy hoping that all the space in my brain are occupied by all other things, something that i know how to handle. something that can make me feel tired but don't hurt me. i want to be nice to people but how can i manage when it's eating up myself. does that look like i'm not being sincere when i do things? honestly, i am totally lost what "sincere" is supposed to mean. i would like to think that sincere is when you do something and don't hope anything in return. but "anything" to me are both - good and bad. when i got really sick of people who keep expecting me to be "the nice person" all the time, does that mean all the things i've done before were not sincere? i don't expect people to look after me like a baby, i can take care of myself just fine. but that doesn't mean i can be a superwoman to care for everything in the world. do they want to see me cry my eyes out, or see me lay flat on my bed not able to wake up, or wait until i don't have anymore plastic smile to put on or even threaten to commit suicide, then only they will understand that enough is enough??? i'm tired. i'm exhausted. i don't even have energy to breathe. i'm no longer confused. i'm tired of being confused. i just want to be selfish. i just want to think about myself, how to please myself, how to not make myself crazy. if that's gonna hurt other people, then be it! i'm tired of hurting myself. i give in.

i miss you very much..

activity with friends

Ever heard of Sungai Chiling? It's located somewhere near Kuala Kubu Baru town, about 90 mins drive from KL. A few good friends and I went for trekking there yesterday. It was awesome!! The track was quite flat, so it was not that tiring, compared to the last trekking I went in Tmn Negara Pahang. The interesting part this time was having to cross the river 5 times, some of which at waist length! The rocks in the water were very slippery. I almost fell once, but alhamdulillah, no injury. The highlight of the almost 2 hours walk was the spectacular waterfall! Subhanallah.. the water was freezing cold! at certain parts, the water was so clear we could see the fish! memang best! we picnic there (nasi+ayam goreng+beehoon goreng (my mom's)+karipap+nasi lemak+lots more!) pauline brought gas, so she heated up the canned chicken rendang and made hot drinks.. pergh! superb! we spent quite some time there, mandi-manda segala before we head back.

asmah brought her family as well. her 2 kids (boy of 11 yrs and girl of 9 yrs) really enjoyed themselves and had fun.. asmah told us that the family love to go to this kind of activities.. camping, trekking..etc..the yougest has already joined them for camping trip since she's 5! so the river crossing was nothing to them!

i wonder if erina will like this kind of activities, considering the 2 different genes she inherits. abang, coming from a wealthy family, has always preferred indoor activities.. being exposed to the sun, was never really his thing.. takut gelap kata nya! while myself grew up in a much2 sempoi environment, main roundas, galah panjang tgh panas, lumba lari kaki ayam, run during sports day, jln kaki tgh panas pegi sekolah, lumba lari dgn baju sekolah bila balik.. so i always love activity2 yg lasak nih.. while in school, i played hockey where games sometimes started at 1pm, i joined police cadets where we always participated in perbarisan ntah apa2 berjemur tgh padang berjam-jam..pegi camping, pegi jungle tracking, pegi belajar menembak... that's FUN for me! well, for now, i noticed erina sgt suka playgrounds suka main yg bende boleh bergayut tuh, love balls so much, suka cycling, scootering, or anything yg byk physical movements. she is so not teddy bear or baby dolls girl.. main masak2, or main tulis2 duduk atas meja diam2 are so not her things.. hmm. maybe it's too early to tell, but i hope she will become more like me in this matter..hehehehe..

boring la kalau asyik nak melawa 24jam, tengok rambut sapa lagi cantik, apa latest fashion, handbag mahal mana nak beli.. tak salah, after all pompuan pun kan.. but then to me, being pretty is not all about wearing the best outfits, keep up with the fashions, have the fairest skin.. i have always loved a life that i do not have to tripple my effort just to look pretty to other people.. i just want to be myself, do what i like to do.. it doesn't really matter if it doesn't look georgous to other people, but what important is it looks perfect to my eyes! after all, people who love me will always love me anyway for everything i am! kan abang kan? i love you sayang! thank you all!

i can't sleep

erina woke me up around 3.45am nak susu and i couldn't sleep anymore. i think my brain didn't sleep all night. i just couldn't help it.

above picture was taken at our home on 12th Feb 2 yrs back. Erina was just 1yr+1mth+3days. She's sleeping while her parents having dinner, the very last dinner at home. i wish i can turn back time, so i can feel THAT happy again.. but at the same time, i wish there's a fastforward button that i can press, hoping that i will forget all this pain and hoping that i will not remember that "happy" i once had, so i can stop craving the lunch time, dinner time, the chats, the smile, the laugh, the sesi mengadu and luahan perasaan time, the phone calls, the sms (and the list goes on..).

Allah swt knows best. if we knew it's going to be our last dinner, probably we were already crying our eyes out by then. and i would have told him not to leave me. which would make things even harder.

Allah swt had planned it way ahead. It's the best. Nothing in the world can make it any better.

scooter for erina

i finally got erina her Barbie scooter!! :-) i felt like it was just yesterday that my hubby and I watched her in her baby walker with small pillow supporting her back. and there she was, extremely super-duper excited that her long overdue wish came true! semua sofa ditolak ke tepi so she has the hall all to herself! just within hours she's already scootering like a semi-pro. i bought the knee and elbow guards as well though i already expected she wouldn't want to put on those gears after 10 minutes. But they were just too cute i couldn't resist! :-) and surprisingly, erina suka pakai the knee and elbow guards tuh!

masa tgh pilih2 tuh, suddenly something just crossed my mind and it slipped my mouth "mummy dah takde orang lain dah..mummy ade erina sorang je..".......... gosh! SHE IS the only one i have in MY WORLD! SHE IS MY LIFE! of course i have my parents, family and friends but they are in different world.. they are in my world (notice the small letters..hehe;-) ). i was too emotional looking at erina with her scooter i didn't take any pictures at all! erina was so proud of it. siap show off lagi tuh kat neighbours seblah!! and of course mummy never lack of erina's hugssss and kissesssss!!! bodek nombor 1!

How to Keep Your Sanity and Lose Your Anxiety

By Sherry L Harris
>>Read the source

The brain is such a funny thing, you know. It is the epicenter of pretty much everything, controlling body functions, movements and of course emotions and personality. But sometimes there can be glitches, and the overworked brain may malfunction from time to time. When emotions are not kept in check, they can become magnified, and may cause problems. Nervousness and worry are two of those elements that can be a problem if they are not carefully monitored. What happens as a result is that they turn into full blown anxiety. Sometimes, the main thing that pays the biggest price in all this is unfortunately your sanity.

There are so many things in your life that have the ability to cause you stress. Once you begin letting this stress consume you, it will continue to pile up until you feel like you cannot even see straight. The important thing is to remember to remain calm and try to take all of life's challenges in stride. Deal with each situation individually and then put it aside. You will feel more victorious if you are able to battle things head on, and not become nervous over life's little problems.

When the problems become bigger, it does get increasingly difficult to handle. But, if you do not want to feel the effects of full blown anxiety, keep your composure and work through all that bothers you. If you give in to the nervous feelings, then not only will you feel anxiety, but eventually you could suffer from other things like depression. It is essential to stay focused and to keep your cool. Nipping the problems in the bud before they get out of hand is key to keeping anxiety at bay.

Once you are able to sift through all of the things that continue to plague you, the next important step is relaxation. You cannot keep your sanity unless you give yourself a mental break. In fact, medical professionals actually recommend respite and recreation in order to keep a well-balanced life. Maintaining a hobby or creating fun mental diversions will certainly help you to keep your sanity quite often.

Happiness is one of anxiety's many enemies. If you do not want to fall prey to extreme worry, think positive. Sometimes, it is difficult to be upbeat when life throws us some major curveballs, but thinking that the weight of the world is on your shoulders is not a good way to overcome it either.

You do not have to sacrifice your sanity in the process of overcoming anxiety. It does take time, but slowly ridding yourself of that tension and stress will be worth it in the long run. You will feel better overall: body, mind and soul. Do yourself a favor and take it easy. Clear out all of the mental clutter that is preventing you from being truly at ease and rejuvenated. The less your brain has to work on fixing the tension, the more it can focus on what makes you feel good, inside and out.

too many things to do, too little time :-)

hehe. if i can cut down the time spent on blogging, perhaps i can have a little more time :) i am confusing my mind with lists of things that i want to do. that reduces my alertness towards my surrounding i think! so i am going to put this down so i can read them in sequence, though not in particular order. i don't put this on my dell because i won't be able to read it when i'm at the office, neither not on my office notebook coz i avoid as much as i can to login from home, not on sticky note on the wall in front of me, not on any paper coz i know myself so well that i don't think it'll last :) so based on my time spent on the web and frequency of me clicking the "e" icon, i guess this is the 'safest' place.

- thesis!
- thesis!!
- thesis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- myramir - thanks to jun who warnedreminded me about privacy and confidentiality :p
- erina's video!
- my own web! bluueekkk!! the fact that i'm setting up one rasa mcm apa je. sorry. pls don't feel offended if you happen to have one. it's just me, who thinks wearing white shoes make me look like a nurse (i am a weirdo in certain things!).. jun, i think it's contagious! "i just want to stay home and do what i enjoy doing!!" hahahahhaa..
- paint my apartment purple! hahaha.. am i serius??
- i need to find a good tukang urut.. i have a serius back pain it even hurts as i breathe. is it my scoliosis getting worse?
- i need to do something to treat my sinus. it's killing me!
- i have 3 story books waiting for me!
- i have yet to check erina's kindie
- i have yet to collect my cheque book without which i cannot pay my creditcard! (alasan!)
- decide if i want to install phoneline+stremyx at my SA house. and if yes, actually make my way to tm to request for it and plan time for those ppl to come to install.

there are still more, but i'm just so sleepy now i want to join erina in bed. despite all, i know i'm just so lucky that no matter how sucks my day is, it always ends with a kiss on erina's cheek! and that's enough to tell me that i am blessed! what could be a better way to end a day other than feeling grateful and thankful to Allah swt?

p/s: don't forget to say kalimah syahadah before you close your eyes, just incase malaikat maut comes and you are not going to wake up tomorrow...

blogger vs wordpress

i'm currently experimenting wp. hmm.. too many things to do, too little time. what's your pick? why? care to share anyone?

erina oh erina..

lately ni erina asyik kiss me and hug me every 15minutes kot, or less. she would repeat "erina buah hati mummy, busyuk mummy, intan payung mummy!" she would give me a long hug everytime. she would put her arms around my neck and kiss me. tak kira tgh tengok tv ke, tgh makan ke, tgh window shopping kat luar ke, before tido, bangun tido.. sampaikan my yougest sister cakap "ahhh, ye laa... dah2 la tuh" hehehe.. sbb mengalahkan couple tgh bercinta plak :)

then last thursday, blk dr office kepenatan, as usual mesti play-play with erina dulu.. and erina pun hug and kiss me mcm never enough.. suddenly dia cakap "mummy kena beli 'ganielite'.. mata mummy dah gelap" sambil jari telunjuk dia duk gosok2 below my eyes. pastu dia repeat lagi.. "ni mata mummy ni dah hitam ni..kena pakai ganielite tuh letak kat mata mummy.." i was blur for a while. then baru la compute apa dia cakap. she was actually referring to "Garnier Light" eye roll-on tu yg si FS jd model tuh. we all were so surprised pastu gelak giler. she's only 3 and she's advising me mcm mana nak treat my dark circles? bertuah punya budak. and satu lagi, boleh plak tu dia pick up that advert and understand what it's all about. none of us ever mention about it or talk about the advert.. hahaha..

and now ni, among her favourite lines:

"oh man!" (bila tetiba dia teringat something)
"al-lamm-mak!" (erina's version of 'alamak')
"i'm sure" (dgn slang skali ok!)
"nanti erina meraung kang!" (ugutan terbaru dia.. but if i use the same trick "mummy meraung kang", dia reply "mummy meraung je laa")

and satu lagi dia suka cakap ni.."sayang mummy, sayang wan, sayang atuk, sayang bla bla bla...busyuk mummy sorang, buah hati mummy sorang, intan payung mummy sorang" hehe.. if anyone cakap "erina buah hati atuk/wan/anyone kan?" dia sure bengang and insist "tak!! erina buah hati mummy sorang je!" so far, takde sapa lagi yg berjaya buat dia admit dia buah hati/busyuk/intan payung orang lain!!!hehehe..

erina during our recent langkawi trip for her 3rd birthday :-) >>more pictures<<

400D for sale!!

i want to sell my canon eos 400D. anyone interested, please contact me nanrfz33@yahoo.com, or ym me or text me. thankies!

make up your mind, me!

22 months. if i think about the numbers, i wonder where did all the time go? but in some other ways, i feel like it's just yesterday! i could feel myself standing beside him, talking to him, convincing him that i'd be fine and he really didn't have to worry about me and our darling daughter erina. i could remember my lines which i still wonder where it came from, yet i truly believed in them (i think!). did i not have to trust my own words, before he could trust them? he was unconcious, so i couldn't tell if he was convinced or not. but my gut feeling said, for most of them, he didn't, but he had no choice but to trust them anyway. i told him i'll be ok. i told him i'm letting him go. well, i've never been 'that' nice to him. so obviously he knew i lied. enuf about that. i've been repeating the same lines for 22months! but who cares!

for the past 22 months, things have changed a lot. LOTS, LOTS, LOTS!!! but of course, there are some that stays the same. those i wish to stay, keep changing, yet those i pray really hard to change are those that stick really hard, even the biggest tsunami won't make them move from where they are! but we don't always get what we want. that same line has never failed to console me, at least for some time, before the next evil thought pay me a visit again.

making decision, is among the things i suddenly have to put in my task list after abang passed away. not that i have never done it before, but as far as i could remember, that task was always shared. if i have to note it down, i would put 50% behind that particular task, indicating i was only half responsible for it. the other half should appear in his task list. but things are different now. i could still choose to keep it 50% i think, but instead i choose to pick the other 50% that he has left. but then, i'm not really sure if i have accumulated the percentage to 100% or if i just created another task with different unique identifier but duplicate name. i think it's the latter. but i think i don't even have duplicate names. i must have put it as abang's still.

what i was trying to say, there are many and many decisions that i have to make, yet i have left them hanging, not to mention those that keep changing as i am not certain what should i do with them!! i am not sure what i am waiting, still hoping for him to come and make the final decision perhaps?? did i just make myself sound stupid? maybe. the truth is, i don't know how to make the decision alone. sorry. not alone. let me rephrase the sentence. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE DECISION WITHOUT HIM!! I thank God for I have my mum, my family, my friends who can give me advice. they even help me to list down the good and the bad, the advantage and disadvantage. they've done their part, if i can call it "their part". yet, here i am, still cannot make up my mind. in between all the advice, all the support that i have received, i feel something is lacking. yes..i guess it's the "convincing" feeling that i am still trying to find. not to convince me that i will make the right decision, but i am not convinced that regardless what happen after the decision is made, things are still going to be alright. I am not convinced that if things go against what i have planned, I'll still be OK, I'll still feel motivated to go on, either to continue on the same path, or to start all over again. oh i am so missing you. i hope you knew just how comforting it was to know i could rest my head on your chest and feel your arms wrapping me, when i felt the whole world was not being nice to me.

well, it's been 22 months. i need to learn. learn to make decision without him, whether it's the right one or not. i should start somewhere. but where do i begin??

Karena hati telah letih

Dealova

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau rindu
Karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
Karena hati telah letih
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang selalu bisa kau sentuh
Aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
Tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
Oh bayangmu seakan-akan

(Chorus)
Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yang memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yang ku hela kau selalu ada
Hanya dirimu yang bisa membuatku tenang
Tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang dan sepi
*Repeat chorus

sung by: Once

freshie concert

today, a fren out of nowhere ym me and asked this question - "ingat tak dulu sapa yang masuk mod dance lagi?" hahahhaa.. mmg "eye opener" betul soklan tu di pagi senin kan.. she was talking about our freshie concert, the one all freshies, that is the F1 kena participate. FC was sort off "meraikan" budak2 F1 yg baru join, menunjukkan bakat masing2. ye la tuh. padahal sebenarnya2, FC boleh diibaratkan as the first "HELL" yg boleh buat budak2 yg dpt straight As for UPSR tu rasa cam "bodohnya la aku nih menyusahkan diri kat sinih. duk umah lagi best!" this concert mmg betul2 bebudak F1 je yg perform and org2 yg tukang mengajar budak2 toye ni ialah the F4, so called freshie sisters..so F1 freshie sisters kecik, F4 freshie sisters besar. hahaha. i still remember that one night all of us were asked to gather at Budiman Hall after dinner. aduish. and at that time, looking at those F4 yg duk kat tangga stage tuh, rasa mcm takut pun ade, rasa mcm "perasan bagus betul diorang nih" pun ade.. pastu tak ingat pebende la yg diorang ckp.. yg ingat, diorang suh sendiri2 volunteer la nak masuk persembahan apa.. and masa tuh, all i can think of, NASYID la kan!! HAHAHHAHAA.. lawak sehh... then tetiba, dtg la beberapa org kakak tanya if i can dance!! huaahuaa.. me, dance?? ade gaya ke? they ask me to follow diorang nari a few steps... takut punya psl kan, so buat je la.. then the rest was history!! hahahhaa.. so i was one of the 5 people dlm modern dance B.. yup, u read it right! MODERN DANCE ok!! lawak antarabangsa betul kan! then lepas tuh, i think masa tgh practise2 menari satu hari nih, tetiba dtg la sorang F4 ni suh i masuk fashion show plak! back then, i was this one short, skinny girl, dgn rambut pendek yg tak terurus.. so i think they thought that was cute! kwangkwangkwang!! i was paired ngan sha yg juga kurus dan pendek.. while org2 lain bukan main ngan baju entah pape, kitorang plak kena dress as kids! jadi model kanak2 ribena.. siut je! well, i don't blame them la.. sha and i were among the shortest or smallest in the batch.. the seniors used to call us "burung"!! though i kind of hate all the hours spent to practise the mod dance and fashion show thingy, i kind of owe that freshie concert somehow.. that's where i learned menari ok! and be on stage! i couldn't remember if i ever did that masa primary school. all i remember masa primary, naik stage every year sbb ambik hadiah masa price giving day je! and honestly, i kind of enjoy that freshie concert.. and i enjoy dancing jugak! though takde la pandai sgt pun kan.hehee... years after that, setiap tahun kami2 ni akan menari mod dance sbg side show during our annual interform english drama competition!! oh english drama deserves a dedicated post of its own.. walaupun i only contributed part side show tu je...hehehe.. then masa f4, they 'recruit' me utk join college malay dance team! oh tu mmg best! and i thanked those who suggested my name tu, whoever that was..hehehe..
so setelah lemm duk ask around sapa ingat lagu used for our mod dance show tuh, we confirmed the one yg utk mod dance B, that is my team.. yg A tu masih tak sure lagi.. so ini la dia lagunya.. specially dedicated to lemm, chool, haslie and kozo, and freshie sis besar.. k.ina cun, k.norly, k.rose (ke?) and dah tak ingat dah sapa lagi..if you guys happen to read this :-) i still remember the plain striking color tshirt dgn bermuda pants colorful2, snickers and topi yg ade besi nombor.. HAHAHHAHAHHA!! so the lawak ok! but we rockssss!!!

p/s: btw, this 25th Jan is our freshie concert 17th anniversary!! happy FC anniversary tkc9296! hahahhaaa..

geng & ipin & upin

as a kid, i didn't really watch cartoon (not as much as erina does these days).. i consider myself a bit "nerd".. i prefer to be around books, pencils, eraser.. according to my mom, i could read newspaper at the age of 4.. kena spell la the words one by one.. those days mana ade smartreader/cec whatsoever. i was 'home schooling' since my elder sister and two brothers dah start sekolah by then.. my aktiviti petang plak ialah ikut tengok my brothers main bola sepak.. bila dah besar sikit join diorang main sekali.. kadang2 main "rounders" or "baling selipar".. i still remember my brother buat rules bila main 'baling selipar', semua org takleh baling selipar tu (or bola tennis kdg2 ganti selipar) to me because i was underage. so in order to "kill" me, they have to chase me and "touch" me ngan bola or selipar tuh..hehehe.. satu lagi game yg best was galah panjang or some ppl panggil galah adang.. konda-kondi hanya main bila blk kampung.. tp tak reti sangat.. satu lagi aktiviti ptg2 ialah main lumba lari! itu start masa dah pindah ktn, duk quarters.. lari kat atas jalan raya lagi and kaki ayam ok!! siap ade teams lagi, and gang lari yg plg kamcing skali was Faiz.. kamcing dulu kitorang sampai slalu kena gossip..hehe.. (dia nak kawin this coming CNY.. congrats!) ye, saya mmg sgt2 tomboy dulu2.. i didn't recall having a teddy bear other than a pair of medium size polar bear which i got masa bday party 5thn kot (the only bday party i've ever had in my life kot so far).. my brothers bagi present pedang mcm thundercats punya tuh! hahhaa.. and my parents bg present beg sekolah, buku tulis kosong and complete stationaries.. still ingat tu sbb there was a picture of me tgh menulis, pedang kat tepi and the teddy bears letak kat blakang as perhiasan..hahaha..

as a kid jugak, i never berangan nak jadi doktor or lawyer ke.. i have always wanted to be an engineer..though tak tau pun apa bende engineer buat time tuh.. hehehe.. then when Top Gun tgh hit, ade gaklah berangan nak jadi pilot! hahaa.. then tak ingat since bila, i started to berangan nak buat kartun! nak buat animation.. nak buat iklan.. nak buat video clips!! i was seriusly nak buat bende2 tu semua, but i was not serius enough in putting the effort to achieve them! well ade byk factors that contribute to that.. coming from family yg serba sederhana, i guess tak cukup exposure was one thing besides there were so many other issues in life which were more important than 'chasing' my dream.. pc pun tak pernah ade kat umah.. masa kat tkc pun mcm takde pun chance towards that (or was i yg busy break rules rather than fikir about "dreams"?? hehe..) well, i hope i didn't sound like i'm putting the blame on those factors for my disability to achieve what i want... no, i will never put the blame on anyone or anything! those were the challenges, and it was me who let my focus drift away far from my goals. then after spm, nak masuk uni, tak tau plak nak amik course apa.. with my "engineer" dream and "kartun/iklan/video" dream intact, i have 2 options.. computer engineering or computer science.. this may sound pathetic, but masa tuh, i didn't know what the difference and i didn't have anyone to ask! i ended up pursuing computer engineering.. 'computer' was very very foreign to me during those days.. enough said, i didn't even know camana nak turn it on/off! masa kat tkc ade la pegi computer class, tp biasanya pc tu dah on dah, then bila habis takyah off sbb next class nak pakai :-) kenapa choose computer engineering.. sbb animation/video/bende terbang2 tu semua sure related to computer kan.. and engineering sbb kan ke nak jadi engineer!! other than that, that shows how much i love challenges - computer - bende yg i totally have ZERO knowlegdge! it couldn't be more interesting!! hahahhaa.. bijak..bijak..

tadi kat tv tunjuk the making of "Geng & Ipin & Upin"!! it broke my heart sbb jeles yg amat! terus berangan i was the one yg kat dlm tv tu tgh explain my role in the production! dpt jadi one of the kuli2 in the team tu pun jadik la! ah frust! so utk kesekian kalinya that question pops up again.. "salah ambik course kah aku????"

time heals? i really doubt it..

i have kept myself busy. i have "saiko" myself, i have tried to divert my attention towards everything else, i have not only tried, but i have done everything i could... but still i have PLENTY of space to think about your smile, your hugs, your voice.. YOU!! everything about you.. why oh why.. i am so missing you... i'm not well for the past days.. so does erina.. i'm scared Allah swt will be angry with me for I really wish you are here now.. i thought people say time heals.. but why i think i am moving from the normal ward to the high dependency ward?? oh please, i dont want to even imagine the icu...

Happy Birthday Erina sayang!

actually her birthday is not until Friday. but since we are going off for a short holiday(yeeyyyyy!!!)tomorrow (or today, just in a few hours time..), i might as well write something here now. Oh.. actually, was planning to post "something" more, but due to some unforseen circumstances, will have to postpone that.

To my darling Erina Aisyah, buah hati mummy, busyuk mummy, intan payung mummy.... happy birthday sayang.. muaaaaahhhhhh..... mummy sayang Erina baaaaanyyyyaaakkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!

2009 - 2000 = 9

The demotivated syndrome that i picked up eversince the workshop early of Dec 2008 has not subsided, maybe a little. Last week, out of 3 working days (Mon and Thu were public holidays), which was equivalent to 3x8=24 hours that i needed to complete, only 8 hours were spent at the office (Tue 10am-4pm, Wed 10-12pm), another 8 hours were spent working from home doing real office work (Wed 2-4pm, Fri 10-4pm) while another 8 hours were used to "unglue" myself from bed, detach myself from erina in the morning, travel to and fro the office, extra hours for lunch, facebooking, evening time with erina and completing the other "project" that my bro assigned to me. i could die from office super boringness if i were to commit any more than that. it's not that i don't have work to do. in fact, i have a dateline to catch at the end of the month. 31st Jan is the date given by Hans, a little too ambitious i would say, but i do hope i can give it the best i can. actually, i was hoping the tight dateline could push me to work harder and be more serious toward the work. but, so far, it hasn't done a good job.

how did i spend the new year? that new year's eve, i disconnect from VPN at 4pm, went swimming with Erina from 5-6pm, then we went out for some shopping and had a good dinner. later that night as erina fell asleep, i was in front of the desktop, squeezing my brain to its fullest trying to come up with a super canggih design for my bro, kononnya la.. the countdown, the fireworks, the concert, the tv so on and so on were not in my head, at all! i only realized 2009 has arrived when i saw a friend's status in FB, welcoming the new year. I am NOT such a LOSER for not having any "celebration" plan for the new year, am I? am I turning into some geeky nerd working on the keyframes, the layers and whatnot, while others were enjoying their new year's party, hanging out with friends and putting themselves in road traffic statistics? well, who cares.

as far as i could remember, the very last real "celebration" i had for new year was way back in 2000. it's the new millennium, ppl!! being as young as 20 years old, my darling boyfriend and i couldn't resist to be part of the "millenium" crowd! and 2000 was also supposedly our year of FREEDOM, reaching 21 years of age!! hahaha! (little that we know what awaits us after 21.. if only i knew, i would have prayed hard to stay 18!!) we were joined by his bro who happened to be in KL at that time. our choice was KLCC! It was Ramadhan. We had our break fast at KLCC food court, then headed to Masjid KLCC for Maghrib, Isyak and Terawih.. baik tuh.. still tak lupa nak terawih ok! We "witnessed" the millenium fireworks (though i honestly couldn't tell the difference with any other fireworks show, and i believe it wasn't that special enough otherwise i would have remembered the special formation displayed..huhu) Before other ppl dismissed themselves, the three of us were already on our way to our car, parked at the open area near the mosque. and if you've been to KLCC and parked your car there, you must know how long it normally takes you to get into Jln Tun Razak again. guess how long it took us that night? 3 bloody hours ok!!! even more! and eversince that day, we made a vow never ever get ourselves into any new year's celebration again!ever! if the new year celebration or the fireworks is a fun not to be missed or an experience to tell, then we don't mind to have a "shrink" version of "fun list", we don't mind telling ppl how we slept soundly at home at the strike of new year, and we know being a part of the "history in the making" like new millenium doesn't keep us from paying taxes!! if there's one reason why i still remember that night, it's because he was there right beside me, and it's all that matters..

anyway, it's already 3rd, or perhaps 4th day of 2009. i crossed the 12 am new year not equipped with any new year's resolution like most people do. i just couldn't be bothered. i set one whenever i feel like needing one.. right now i'm all excited for next week!! wooohoooo!!!

p/s: notice the new header?? :-) i like it very much!! excuse me for being helplessly still so much in love with a dead man..