fikir-fikirkan..

i have yet to recover from selsema + sakit tekat..suara pun mcm apa.. baca Quran pun dah semput2 tak cukup nafas sbb hidung block! i'm not complaining since i hv not taken any kind of medicine AT ALL to get better. come to think of it, i never take any medicine pun kalau selsema or batuk or sakit tekak mcm nih.. somehow it just dissappear je after some time..and am hoping the same "magic" this time..it's been a week now. how silly i am to let myself suffer. nasib baik mak ade.. boleh la nak manja2..hehe.. ni tgh minum teh-o mak buatkan ;-)

called a friend this morning for some academic related talk (hehe).. and as we were updating each other about our lives (alhamdulillah..we still have something called "lives"..we almost thought we lost it already) i realized no matter how hard i think my life is, there's always somebody else yg kena face sthing even worse.. the more difficult my life is, the more i should be grateful.. her priceless advice.. nani, you have to learn to let go.. berlapang dada.. and yakin with your heart and soul that Allah swt Maha Adil, Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang and He knows best...
thank you jan.. i will always remember that and i'll try my best to do that..

i'm surprised sometimes by the advice and words of encouragemnt i got from my friends.. i'll try to share them with you in my posts, kalau panjang umur..because i think they don't only apply to me and to my situation, in fact they are like one size fits all.. and these people are of my age ( i consider myself young ok..hehe)..maybe one or two yg dah over sikit (ops... ampun to sapa2 yg terasa..hihi)..but it makes me feel pepatah org tua2 "sapa dulu makan garam" mcm nak kena modify sikit.. i say "it doesn't matter berapa byk garam yg someone dah makan, but brapa byk kali yg kita sebenarnya rasa kesan garam tu pada makanan kita..dia buat makanan kita rasa sedap and rasa tak sedap..at one point we even say garam ni yg buat sakit darah tinggi nih.. and very seldom kita kata, syukur ade garam..kalau tak, tawar je la lauk kita" tak paham? hehehe..don't bother..

gd nite people.. assalamualaikum..

some people..

penatnya.. penat sangat.tak faham. kenapa orang senang blh ckp "kitorang dah buat yg terbaik.." terbaik utk sapa? siapa yg dpt manfaat from "terbaik" tuh? adakah you rasa you dah buat yang terbaik sedangkan orang lain terpaksa berkorban? adakah you rasa you buat yang terbaik bila you dpt accomplish something ikut you punya keselesaan and orang lain pay the price? orang lain kena fikir camana nak change their time to accomodate you? other people have to replan their lives to add you in the plan sedangkan u don't contribute anything?

kenapa orang blh ckp "you have to consider us.." do you think you have shown enough consideration to other people? what kind of consideration do you want? have you ever consider other people have feelings too? do you realize other people have plans too? do you know other people need to manage their time too? pernah tak terfikir because you punya "you have to consider us..", you have broken your promise..and it impact other people's promises too? pernah tak terfikir yg org lain ade their own lives too? what make you think your life and your plan and your time are more important than other people's that you think orang lain kena consider you, instead of you consider orang lain?

and pernah tak, ever, that you feel that you need to respect other people, tak kira la tua ke muda ke..kaya ke miskin ke.. your boss ke or kuli you ke?? because it sure will help you a lot if you do.. it helps you to realize a lot of things i have mentioned above.. incase it's not clear, respect doesn't only mean you salam dgn org tua, or ckp thank you setiap kali.. but the scope is really big -- other people's TIME, privacy, opinion, suggestion, DECISIONS, promises, BELONGINGS and you know what, in this world, not all the time people actually care to "consider you" because if you can be so selfish, why cannot others? i guess kena-la pandai2 sendiri nak fikir camana nak hidup..

i really don't understand. i'm not saying i'm good. i'm far at lower grade than good. but sometimes, people punya behaviour selalu make me wonder. apa diorang fikir bila diorang cakap tuh? for someone yg really risau if my words would offend other people (if you can hear me shouting, then you know you've stepped on my tail!!), i really2 don't understand. don't they ever feel in their hearts that their words hurt other people's feelings? it's just that other people don't say things like "you hurt my feelings..".. or "kecik hati tau buat mcm nih.." like you always do.. they don't say "you have to consider us.." because they have so much respect for you that you can think wisely what you should and you should not do..unfortunately, again and again, it's always very very dissappointing(and pity too) to realize you have not reached that level of thinking and maturity..(i know i'm not alone in this..he felt the same too..too bad, certain things just don't change just yet)..you see, when people choose to be silent, that doesnt mean they all tak kecik hati or that you have not hurt their feelings.. cuma some people they actually use their brains before they speak, as they speak and even after they speak.. well i guess that what make us different.. and I will always thank God for giving me the ability to use His beautiful gift - the brain - wisely enough..

but i will always remember -- i'm not perfect.. i can never be perfect.. but at least i know i'm trying and i will pray everyday, may God show me the path.. the best pada sisi-Nya..because He's the only one who knows what best..

cheer up and get better!

i'm mentally exhausted.. buckets of tears now led to flu and sore throat.. and even worse, i think Erina can feel it too..this is not the first time.. in fact, everytime i'm not well, erina will be ill too.. she's having running nose and coughing.. pity her..pagi tadi mak kata "pergi la klinik mintak ubat..orang patutnya bila badan rasa sakit tu, cepat2 pegi cari ubat utk sihat.." my reply.."sakit akak ni takde ubat kat klinik.."

but actually what mak said is indeed true.. I AM SICK! maybe i dont have to susah2 pegi klinik..but i definitely need to find some "ubat" to make me better..and i know long ago that the ubat is very near to me.. or perhaps i have the ubat already cuma taknak makan je.. or maybe at times ubat tu dah habis and nak dpt next supply tu takes time..wallahualam..

i think i need to cheer up myself a little bit..so let me tell you about a change i've made recently.. i decided to move out from my house..and rent a new place..hhmm.. how about that? i received different kind of feedback/reactions from people.. but sbb byk sgt comment, suggestion and COMPLAINTS.. i decided to concentrate on those coming from people who matters to me and who have proven a good record of constructive advice..

anyway, i did check out a few places to rent..and there's a story why i decided on the one i'm staying now.. haha.. perhaps it was just a coincidence tp i took it as a sign..hehe..at least jun agreed it was a sign..;-) then after few nights i keep postponing nak tido kat the new place sbb mcm sedih plak, suddenly he came and visit me in my dreams!! that's another sign! hahaha.. but on top of all, i believe ni semua ketentuan Allah swt.. i pray that things will turn out fine just like what i have planned, or even better..and i know there are many people who pray for me.. but if it doesn't turn out ok, i'll pray semoga Allah swt akan give me the strength to face it and still keep the door open for me to correct things and keep trying..

well, the place.. nice!! sederhana saja.. but i like it so far! and i can feel Erina likes it too! i think it suits us.. i'm not that cerewet.. so as long as yg basic tu ok, i'm ok je.. please pray for me and erina, orait people ;-)

Thank you all

Doctors and nurses of HUKM
Thank you prof Fadhillah, dr Azmin, prof Razak, dr Anilah, nurses - sue, habibah and others, the cleaners and the brother yg selalu tukar plastic kuning..some of them have become my friends..thank you for taking a really good care of him.. thank you for being really nice to us.. and to nurses kat level 7 tuh, thank you sbb layan my luahan perasaan kat pantry some of the nights(hehe..).. and of course, thank you for being patient with us..(i know kitorang sgt tak berdisiplin, bangun lambat and expect you guys to change the bedsheet ikut timetable kitorang..hehhe) thank you bagi kitorang tumpang fridge, thank you for being there with me temankan dia masa dia high fever and thank you sbb sabar dgn MO yg pakai gelang yg sgt annoying mlm2 buta (if you didn't, i wonder what i would hv done to her)..

My dear friends & Rafizul's friends (now my friends too)
I'm so touched by the amount of support and love you've shown me and erina.. i really do appreciate that.. thank you friends for all the doa and support.. thank you for sparing your time to visit me, phone calls, sms and of course so much time on YM! thank you for the kind words of advice.. comments.. and for simply being there to listen to my words of tekanan perasaan.. it certainly helped a lot to know i'm surrounded by such wonderful people like yourselves.. and not to forget, thank you so much for the support utk arwah during his illness.. i know how he appreciate that.. and i just have to quote this..

"terharunya ramai kawan2 abang doakan abang.. dtg visit abang..tak sangka ade ramai orang ingat kat abang.. nanti if abang dah sihat, abg nak pegi visit setiap orang nak ckp terima kasih"

but Allah knows best kan.. though he's not here personally, please accept this sincere thank you on his behalf.. myself and Erina are honoured to know our man has touched so many hearts in one way or another..

Abah, Mummy, Edy, Aman, Ema, Ela & the rest of the family
Terima kasih sbb tolong tengokkan Erina masa Nani temankan Afiz kat hospital..terima kasih sbb tolong uruskan hal nak pindah rumah dulu..terima kasih tolong uruskan semua urusan jenazah sampai kebumi..Alhamdulillah semuanya berjalan lancar..Nani mintak maaf if ade bende yang Nani should have done, but i didn't and vice versa..please believe me I didn't mean to hide the fact that he's very ill but I just hope your instinct could tell you as mine have told me.. yes, I was informed that the chance was very slim and you knew that too..but i definitely have no idea that he's leaving so soon.. whatever it is, i hope all of you will always be given the strength to accept this dengan redha.. and thank you for all your love for Erina..

Along, Abang, Alang, Ogy, Adik & the rest of the family
Terima kasih banyak-banyak luangkan masa utk bersama akak dan erina.. terima kasih atas semua nasihat dan pandangan..akak dpt rasakan korang cuba nak happy-kan akak dan erina.. please know, we appreciate it so much.. sorry kalau at times korang dtg rumah akak tak layan and kurung diri kat dlm bilik.. thank you sbb understand me..thank you sbb sayang afiz and terima afiz (though dia selalu byk cakap and kedekut sikit kadang2..hehe)..akak doakan semoga korang dimurahkan rezeki dan diberi kebahagiaan selalu..

Mak, Abah
Terima kasih banyak2 untuk semuanya.. Akak mintak maaf sebab terpaksa susahkan mak abah. Terima kasih sbb mak abah byk sokong akak, memahami akak dan percayakan akak..terima kasih tolong tengok2kan akak dan Erina..terima kasih sbb sayang Afiz dan terima Afiz seadanya dan doakan kebahagiaan akak dengan Afiz..akak mintak maaf if ade silap salah akak yg menyinggung perasaan mak abah.. Akak harap mak abah tau Akak cuba sedaya upaya untuk teruskan hidup ni bersama Erina..Akak harap mak abah tau Akak sayang mak abah, rasanya tak terbalas jasa mak abah sampai bila-bila.. Akak doakan semoga mak abah sentiasa dirahmati Allah swt..

Mummy's most beautiful princess Erina Aisyah
Alhamdulillah, thank you God for giving me her..she'll always be my pillar of strength..thank you sayang for filling up my life.. and please always remember.. you are not his replacement, you two sit side-by-side in my heart.. u color my life with your own ways and i love every inch of it.. i love you so much to realize how fortunate i am to have the chance to hug you, to kiss you, to hear you call me and to stare at your cute face..i pray that happiness will always be part of you..may Allah swt bless you always sayang.. and semoga erina jadi anak yang soleh ye..doakan utk daddy and mummy ye sayang..

Especially for Abang
Abang, alhamdulillah I'm still here today..please don't be mad at me for hoping something i shouldn't and for actually thinking to leave our erina alone in this world.. no doubt Allah swt knows best and Nani redha.. thank you for being a caring daddy to Erina, a super-duper wonderful hubby to me for 34 months, a so very understanding and caring big brother to me and for being my bestest ever friend throughout the years..i do hope you know how much i try to move on with my life.. it hurts terribly, but i know if only you were here, this is definitely what you want me to do, so i will.. i'll keep our memories deep inside my heart and i'll pray everyday that Allah swt will let me see you again and will reunite us one day, in the hereafter..

how can i ever forget

"your oxigen level ni rendah sgt la bila you tido.."

**********

"why is it coming back?"
"it's ok..Nani panggil doctor"

**********

"how do you feel?"
"i feel better"

**********

"nani takleh teman abg kat sana nanti..
abg baca apa yg patut ok..kita dah prepare for this kan.."

**********

"how much do you want to know?"
"everything, don't hide even a single thing from me"

**********

"..he'll be in pain, i'm sure we don't want that..
if his time has come, biar la dia pergi dengan tenang.."

**********

"the risk is..he might collapse during the process"

**********

"can i hold him?"

**********

"i love you"

**********

"saya tak tau apa saya nak doa.."
"takpe..kita berserah je pada Allah.. biar Dia yg tentukan.."

**********

"nani, i nak ckp ngan u jap..kita pegi tempat tak de ramai org.."

**********

"how is he?"
"he's very ill la nani
we've tried everything we could..in fact we are still trying..
but as a muslim, kita percayakan if it's time.."
"i know.."

**********

"how much time does he have?"
"frankly, normally case mcm ni just few hours je"
"............................."
"are you ok?"
"i want to see him"

**********

"you can stay here.. then yg lain boleh take turn 2org at a time"
"ok doctor, thank you"

**********

"prof bg tau nani.."
"it's ok nani..kita doa je"
"no! nani nak ckp jugak..let's face this.."

**********

"another sister blk esok"
"oh ye??hmm..mcm kena balik sekarang je.."

**********

"edy, call ema..blk sekarang jugak"
"ok-ok"

**********

"abg..jgn la nangis..
..kalau nanti dah jumpa bidadari, jgn lupa Nani ye"

**********

"nurse, saya nak bwk parents dia masuk boleh tak?"

**********

"panggil nurse.."

**********

"bye sayang.. i love you..kita jumpa lagi ye.."

Terlalu Cinta

"Tuhan maafkan diri ini
Yang tak pernah bisa
Menjauh dari angan tentangnya

Namun apalah daya ini
Bila ternyata sesungguhnya
Aku terlalu cinta dia"

need a guide

i'm not sure how should i face these coming days. is there a kind of a guide that outline the to-do, not-to-do, to-think, not-to-think.. things just don't seem right. trying to act normal, i drove to office, on my notebook, chat with jun about new 'hutang' and taxes (damn!) but suddenly it strikes me.. why am i acting this way..am i not supposed to be sad and down..then suddenly all the tears started making their way..rolling down my cheeks. the "video" started playing again.. all those questions started to rise..why don't i.. why should.. how can..bla..bla.. next thing i knew i was in the car, crying my heart out and talking to him (or myself?)! lucky me to be consoled by her cutie face..sayang mummy.. how lucky i am to have the chance to hear that..unlike him..
mak was surprised to see me at the door, but she dare not say anything.. again, how fortunate i am to have mak who is ever understanding! sometimes her ability to see things from my view impress me..though people say it's in every mum and it's just natural..i learned it's not always the case..or maybe, it is indeed in every mum, but not every mother is blessed to realize this ability within them, or they just don't want to..
i guess most of the time we tend to see how unfortunate we are compared to others.. if only we can pay more attention to those things we have enjoyed and be grateful of things that some people take a lifetime to get.. then perhaps we will realize Allah swt Maha Penyayang and Maha Adil..and there really shouldn't be anything to complain about..

keeping sane

march is coming to its final week and not a day passed by that i didn't think of how i went through march 2007. they are memories i wish to keep for life but sometimes i fear they will drown me.sometimes i feel they are just too "heavy" for me to carry that i wish i can share them with someone. but another time i feel they are the most precious gift only meant for me and i want to keep them all for myself.
i'm trying my level best to keep me sane. It seems the happenings in my life now (especially the big change i decided to make) are not enough to take my mind elsewhere.

The picture above was taken during our weekend getaway at PanPac KL. It's the weekend Tsunami hit asia causing thousands of people lost their loved ones. and never crossed my mind that exactly 2yrs and 3mths after that, i'd lose mine.

Happy 29th Birthday Sayang!

Abang would be 29 today. For the past 10 yrs, today would be the day i really looked forward to. I would spend a lot of time and effort to prepare something for this day - hand made card, big poster, glow in the dark t-shirt (not the t-shirt), surprise celebration, plan a vacation etc. it's like "event of the year".

last year, i consulted his doctor if it's ok to do some celebration for his bday. when prof gave a green light, my brain started to kick off some plan! i sms his sister to buy a cake as i no longer dare to let him out of my sight!! then i informed the family members to be at the hospital early in the morning before his chemo started around 11am. it wasn't really a surprise though as i have to get his OK to have more visitors just on that one day (i didn't want to freak him out ;-) ) then, that night i stayed up very late to prepare his birthday card while waiting for his chemo to complete. I also decorated the hospital room wall with a big "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" made up from colored papers. :-) He slept quite early but was awaken by the nurse who came in to check the chemo medication. I took the chance to wish him "Happy Birthday sayang!"...he smiled and continue sleeping..

on his 28th birthday..the very last picture we took together..

i've never missed this day for the past 10 yrs.. don't miss it either this year..but unfortunately, things are not the same anymore..it will never be..ever again..

how i wish you are here...happy birthday sayang! you are always in my prayers..i miss you and i love you so very much from the bottom of my heart. I thank Allah swt everyday for giving me you..

trip to Giant

Sunday, March 4th, 2007

His family stopped by at the hosital on their way to KLCC. After they left, abg and I planned our own mission :-) Finding it difficult to get other people to buy stuff for us (the exact one that we wanted..hehe), we thought maybe it's best if we could get them ourselves!! I managed to convince abg to allow me to go the nearby Giant on my own!! Abg pun kepingin sgt nak roti Gardenia kan and the shop downstairs tutup, so though not full-heartedly, have to say yes la kan.. I promised him I'll be back within 90 mins (pegi 10 min+shopping 45 min+blk 10min+some buffer).. so while i got ready, he jotted down bende2 yg we all nak beli. some of the things that i could still remember were: roti gardenia(of coz!), air kotak mango yg kotak dia warna oren(xingat brand), air kotak epal yg kotak dia warna putih (xingat brand gak), honeystars and kokocrunch kotak kecik2, freshmilk dutchlady fullcream (he added this for me),air kotak ribena and apa entah lagi..(sounds simple kan, but believe me it's so difficult to get it right..it's either mango but kotak color lain, or susu but not dutchlady) then at 5pm, i'm off to Giant! took a cab, the pakcik asked me what i was doing at the hospital, told him "saya jaga husband saya pakcik",sakit apa,then he gave some petua which i really couldn't register in my head,then dia cerita kisah dia di-diagnosed sakit barah saraf or sthing like that..then he said his prayers for abg.. really nice pakcik..wherever you are pakcik, i hope you are doing great! then sampai giant, start la shopping yg plg pantas i've ever done. i think i was already out waiting for cab around 5.45pm bila tetiba hujan selebat-lebatnya!! ingatkan mesti ade cab yg masuk dlm that area hantar org, so i can just tahan them..but dah 15min camtuh takde gak! then i called abg, then abg kata he'd call the cab suh pick me up there.soon after the cab company call me to confirm, berlambak-lambak la plak cab yg masuk hantar org!!cis! i sent sms to abg ckp tension..then his reply was "takpe..dugaan, sabar aje.." while waiting, sempat lepak kat A&W makan nasi ayam..hehe.. the cab sampai soon after that.. abg was so extremely happy to see me back with all the rations (more of the rations i think;-) )
that's one of the things i'll never ever forget!!! that's us..like abg always said, "we can do wonders when we are together!!"

emails

While doing some housekeeping on my outlook, I stumbled upon an email i sent to my x-housemates from the hospital.. just thought i should put it here..

Askm korang.syam, thanks so much for the thought. I now have network connection guna 3G so I can work from hospital now. lucky my boss has been very understanding. i've been here since day 1 ali was admitted. and today is the 16th day already! so far i only went out from this hospital compound for 3 times, 1st one to go home, get connected to internet to pay my bills and other stuff, 2nd to go cut my hair, 3rd was yesterday to go to office to settle a few stuff. a small part of me felt good to see the outside world but i obviously left most of myself at the hospital. my life is changing tremendously!! sometimes i think it happens too fast that i can't really process what is happening. alhamdulillah ali is getting better.. better in the sense that he's recovering from the chemo, no more fever, his bloodcount slowly stabilize..but only God knows what is actually happening in his body.. the next bone marrow biopsy will really tell if the chemo really work..please pray that all the bad cells go away soon!! he has been really strong, even stronger than people around him! as for me, i'm doing fine.have to be strong myself. but there are times when suddenly i feel so worried, so sad, so hopeless, so depressed.. but thinking that he needs me,i put all those behind.. i hope Allah swt will continue to give the strength, patience.. please pray that we both will be strong to face this dengan redha..may Allah give us stength to go through this hard time and ali will recover very soon..

A reply from Fara:

Nani's email really moves my heart. Really had to reply. I'm so awed with the strength that u n Ali have, living thru tough times together. Midun and I hope that Ali will recover soon,gets better and be his jovial self. I'm sure Ali is being so strong for u n his family. And he must be really grateful and lucky to have you as a devoted wife by his side. May Allah gives you both strength to face His challenges..I wonder if I, or the rest of us would have the same strength as u both. But it does give me a wake upcall to know how our mere life can be so vulnerable. Always keep the spirits up ok. If we can visit Ali, do tell us k. Midun and I would like to pay him a visit, and at the same time visit u too.

They're my x-housemates back in uni. They're among those who knew US since the courting stage..

Thank you so much my dear friends! May Allah swt bless you with good health and lots and lots of happiness always!

your dream came true

I went to visit you at your resting place this morning as always. This time I chose to sit on your left hand side. Nani betul2 rasa mcm one of those times Nani usap rambut abg to comfort you. I kept on reminiscing how I used to recite Yassin at your bed side to put you to sleep.abg akan suruh Nani duduk dekat dgn abg and you wouldnt let go my hand.. Sometimes I read Quran and you'd listen and each time you'd say "sedapnya dpt dengar nani baca Quran..rasa tenang je.."..or sometimes Nani just baca some zikir like I always did to put our baby Erina to sleep.. For that 41 days, you were my baby.

You know what sayang.. abg selalu ckp nak beli rumah dekat dgn masjid. we didn't buy the apartment in BP bcoz takde masjid kat situ. we fell in love with aroma the moment we saw the mosque near to the construction site, before we even entered the show house.. everyone thought it's not rezeki abg sbb tak sempat pun nak duduk aroma. but little that we know, Allah swt has already planned something for you. you know sayang..currently, a mosque is being constructed on the area just opposite your resting place sayang.. nothing blocked my view from where i sat..i could see it clearly..i couldn't hold back my tears..Ya Allah! Subhanallah.. Allah swt answers your prayers, your wish sayang..You'll be resting there dekat dgn masjid just like you always dreamt of..forever...alhamdulillah..


Nani akan sentiasa doakan semoga abg tenang dan aman di sana..semoga Allah swt jadikan tempat abg di sana lebih cantik dari semua masjid yg tersergam indah.. nani redha if this is what Allah swt tentukan utk abg..Allah swt Yang Maha Mengetahui.. pergilah sayang..bersemadilah dengan aman dan tenang..you will always and forever be a part of me.. semoga kita jumpa lagi..