tax deduction

it's that time of the year again - tax!!! chewah..mcm real je.. in actual fact, i couldnt be bothered by this before.all i know i need to bring back the EA form..never even bothered to open the envelope and try to understand the meaning of all the figures - it would go right into his hand.. and later, he would asked me for my signature on the white form, and i didn't know what happened to the white form after that. yup! that's how dependent i was to him in this department. and other things related to financial management.. insurance, premium,tax deduction?? what is that?

well, guess things just have to change. it's the closing date tomorrow and tonight i'm struggling to get this done! gosh! this goes to where, what can i include, where's my insurance statement?? erina dah conteng my borang BE this morning, so it kind of "encouraged" me to try the e-filing! and yes! i did it.. not bad for a first timer kan?? and guess what, i even completed borang BE on his behalf!!! not bad at all! he would be really proud of me!! kan sayang kan..hehehe.. though i have to top up some amount of money...it's ok.. i'll do better next year!! now i know why he was so particular in keeping all those receipts, statements.. hahaha.. sorry la yang.. only now i know what you meant by "boleh deduct tax"..

think positive

yes i know if you read any motivational books, this is among the key points. but in certain areas, i do think that one just needs to make assumption and not to think THAT positive. If one really is a positive thinker, one should take this in a positive way, that is, this helps someone to look back at her/himself (muhasabah diri) if they are doing the right things. or perhaps, it's not even called assumptions.. it's just a little doubt that you have (introduced from something/event or just natural instinct) to do a check on something you think is good (because of the positive thinking), which in return will help to produce even a better results.

imagine one scenario - a mom who loves her daughter very much, pampered her in all possible way that she can..

mom 1 - always positive thinker: this is the best for her. for her own good. mom always knows best.

mom 2 - still positive thinker+a little bit of doubt: is this what she really need? did i notice her reaction? perhaps there's a better way of doing this..

being positive is a very important ingredient in ensuring success, but a little bit of doubt won't hurt and is good to have sometimes.. "dare to fail" - isn't that means you are making a little bit of assumption there's a possibility for you to fail, but you still dare to do it, hoping luck and success will be yours?

just my 2 cents..

H.A.P.P.Y!!

i'm trying not to get too excited. but it surprised me to be able to feel this happy.. as in really happy.. no 'but' this time.. i am happy and truly happy, for no specific reason.. or for all reasons?? i don't know.

yesterday, as i was driving to office, i realized i was smiling all the way.. smile and happy.. not the usual smile i had put on for the past 1 year.. i did ask myself, what has got into me?? my happy heart and mind couldn't come out with even one clear reason. i didn't bother to find one perhaps, instead i just felt like enjoying it.. erina did add more flowers to the day when she put on a "calm", not happy, but very calm face as I sent her to the door of her daycare.. no more tears! before i left she said "sayang mummy".. i melt...

there were not many people in the office when i arrived.. it was still early..still happy, i switched on my notebook and since i've not been in the office for 3days, it took some time to boot up.. normally if I'm not fasting, i'll walk to the pantry to get some water from the dispenser.. i'm not so coffee/tea/nescafe person.. milo yes, but very occasionally.. prefer it cold though.. since i was fasting yesterday (13 to go!!) and feeling still so very happy, i decided to share it with somebody else my heart might burst ;-) if only i could call that first name in my phonebook, i would.. but he already knew anyway, so I called mak instead..

after being so laid back at the office for the past few weeks, yesterday i felt so energetic! and many things just turned out right.. the new service that was put on hold for months would be live, finally! which means I got work to do now.. my boss liked the cost model i proposed, more requests in my queue.. good! this would keep me busy.. i could feel the pressure now.. hehehe.. a little bit of pressure is always good for me..

next, i received an email from my new supervisor!! hehe.. guess it's about time i decide on this one.. so a "regret" email sent to k.mah..informal notice.. will definitely follow up with a proper one soon.. haven't got the guts to talk to her..just yet.. let's not ruin the happy mood..heheh.. and eventually after so many topics that i "made believe" i have interest in, i landed on one that i have confidence in (???) hehe.. or i actually have confidence in the person who proposed it (you better be good, mr sv!), instead of the topic itself.. well, i know many-many people may not agree with this decision.. but i think this time, i just need to follow my instinct.. this will give ample time for Erina besar sikit so they will allow her into the hall.. i surely want her to be there... (ok, i know ni semua ayat2 nak menyedapkan hati sendiri..it's ok..i'll take it..) at least now i know what to google and have a bit of idea what to type in the chapters before the results and conclusions..

well, if i were to rate the day, i'd give it 8/10.. the other 2 - somebody called for a discussion at 5 when i was about to log-off and erina still nak berdukung kalau pegi mana2!!

today, everything is still looking good! except..........somebody told me "you've gained some weight!!!" ..like...what???
Erina, we better stop indulging ourselves in that tasty, yummilicious Nutella!!

letting go..

"I release myself from all the demands and judgements that have kept me limited. I allow myself to go free - to live in joy and love and peace. I allow myself to create fulfilling relationships, to have success in my life, to experience pleasure, to know that I am worthy and deserve to have what I want. I now go free. In that process I release all others from any demands and expectations I have placed on them. I choose to be free. I allow others to be free. I forgive myself and I forgive them. And so it is. "

"The Success Principles - How to get from where you are to where you want to be", Jack Canfield



Allow me to move on sayang. No matter how far life will take me, you know that you are always in my heart and the memories will remain.. You are always a part of me and only Allah swt can change that.. and thank you sayang, for the very wonderful experience..

Pergilah sayang.. I'll pray Allah swt will place you among His loved ones. if it's fated that we'll meet again in the afterlife, i'll be delighted and honoured to wake you up from your 'sleep'..but even if the fate says differently, I have no regrets for I already knew that I was blessed to be a part of you and to have you a part of me..and I thank Allah swt for that..

I believe you now

Lelaki Ini

Kasih, kenanganku
Ingatkah saat saat dulu
Kasih, apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu

Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku
Sanubari ku
Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu…

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…

Thank you so much for loving me unconditionally, sayang..
you'll always be a part of me..
i know, no matter what i do, how i do it,
as long as I'm happy, you'll be happy too..
i should have believed you..
but i do now..

I say love..is you..

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

they are not him, you idiot!

just received a really great news from a friend. A BIG CONGRATULATIONS to you! aku yg excited lebih2.. can't stop smiling..hehehe..alhamdulillah..

but suddenly, gosh i miss him so much! very much.. i hate this feeling.. not that i hate missing him.. but i hate the fact that it's coming back.. i just plan to "stay positive" as much as i can.. but now here i am again.. i feel disappointed with myself..why can't i just miss him, without feeling so sad? why can't i just think of him, without wishing he would come back? why can't i? i thought i've "let him go".. but how come i still can say "i want you here so bad"..i miss that comforting hugs.. i wish i can have one of those now..ok, there i go again..

i'm not in a good mood actually, but that great news surely did cheer me up a little bit.. just feel like talking/chatting but no one's there to talk/chat to me back.. but i understand..ppl have their own life.. sometimes i wonder, they say "we are always here for you", "we'll be here whenever you need us.." but where are they when i need them most? like now..then i realize.. the expectation and deliverable are different.. while i could expect him to be there for me at anytime, of course i can't expect the same from others.. i guess, again the definition of "always" and "whenever" are totally different all together..they are not him who share the life with me, who think my life is as important as his.. they can never spare their time for me like he did.. even myself can't be there for my friends but i could drop other things in my life, just for him.. be with him was more important than tido, i could postpone gosok baju just to hear him talking, he only switched on his notebook after i slept, he had a break from Verdi just to make sure i took my vitamins before i slept.. i'm so spoilt! so tell me how can i not miss him and not wish him to come back?

p/s: i know.. God is always with me..

i'll get there

i read back all my blog entries today.. sometimes i think i sound like an old lady who's counting the days to her funeral.. but sometimes i was like an energetic teenager, really looked forward to life and couldn't wait for tomorrow. i guess that pictured the instable emotion, confusing state of mind, the ups and downs of my life for the past 1yr..

how much have i changed? how much have i moved on? questions i really couldn't answer.. but i do hope i've changed for the better and i do think i've moved on, though maybe at snail's pace, at least, i'm moving..

blogging world has informally "introduced" me to many other people who went through almost the same experience.. i didn't know them personally...but i do look up at their writings as one of my sources of inspiration.. one thing i noticed, they are all older than me ;-) so perhaps our views on life is a little bit different here and there as we look at it from different perspectives.. but they are truly an eye-opener .. ye la.. learn from the seniors ;-)

i think, it has been a really long time since i feel happy, as in REALLY HAPPY.. i almost forgot how it feels.. will i be able to be that HAPPY again? hmm.. i hope so.. yeah.. why not.. it's ok.. i'll get there..insya Allah..

sunday

cheer up nani! cheer up!

aku terlalu cinta dia

..that smile..may 29th, 2004

buah hati mummy

me and Erina dah sihat! alhamdulillah. ubat erina sampai dah nak habis. then i think, hey i must do something with myself. maybe erina tak baik2 coz i keep on "transmitting" the virus to her. so i finally decided to go to the clinic.actually pegi clinic sbb something else, then terus la mintak ubat selsema and sakit tekak. the doc prescribed me with 3 different ubat utk selsema.1 yg tak mengantuk utk siang, the other 2 mengantuk utk makan mlm. for me yg mmg tak pernah ikut ckp doc, i only took the one utk siang. for sakit tekak, doc just give me strepsils which i can get kat kedai if i want, but i dont sbb i dont like bende2 yg ade mint. so wassalam je la to the strepsils.

so many things happen which malas nak citer. i dah citer too much pun to some ppl which i think maybe ade sampai yg dah rasa annoyed la plak sampai taknak reply my ym and sms kot..hmm.. apa2 je la.. and a friend of mine ade an event this weekend.. planning to take erina there..but then suddenly rasa mcm i'm not so welcomed la plak.. ye la kan..sometimes you can tell right from their response when you tell them you are coming.. maybe betul la my other fren ni ckp.. some ppl when they invite or they mention tu, it's just for the sake of telling ppl, telling you that there's something going on.. tp it doesn't necessarily mean they welcome us kan.. ye ke? entah la..

apa2 pun, i'm so glad and bersyukur alhamdulillah that everything is going well with me and erina now.. though i can't wait erina besar so that instead of yelling at her, i can actually chat and share things with her.. but boleh ke? i think i'm hoping too much that we'll become like the lorelai-rory..hhehehe... but now, i just love to hear this.."saaaayang mummy, busyuk mummy, buah hati mummy, sayang mummy banyak!! bukan sikit.."..hehehee..the ladies kat her day care ckp, from morning sampai ptg, erina's favourite line is "saaaayaang mummy" and she won't stop sampai somebody nodded..before she starts again after few minutes..hehehe.. and they actually make use that to make her do something.. "erina sayang mummy kan? sayang kena makan.." hehehhee.. can't help to feel proud..hahaha..it melt my heart and it certainly lighten up my day!

Hakikat musibah

Rasullullah SAW bersabda yang bermaksud:

"Apapun yang menimpa seorang mukmin dari kepayahan, kesakitan, kesusahan dan apapun keresahan yang dirasakannya, melainkan Allah akan menghapuskan sebahagian dari keburukan-keburukannya."

(HR. Muslim)

Sabdanya lagi yang bermaksud:

"Tiada musibah apapun yang menimpa diri seorang muslim melainkan Allah menghapuskan keburukannya (dosanya) walaupun duri yang mengenari dirinya."

(HR. Bukhari & Muslim)

Hidup di dunia ini memang tidak sunyi dari senang dan susah, dari suka dan duka yang datang silih berganti. Barangsiapa yang menyangka bahawa hidup ini hanya kesenangan, kegembiraan serta kemewahan semata atau menyangka sebaliknya bahawa hidup ini hanya kesusahan, kesedihan, kesempitan selama-lamanya, maka sudah pasti sangkaannya itu adalah sangkaan yang salah. Di antara kesenangan dan kesusahan itulah merupakan seni kehidupan, dan ianya juga telah merupakan sunnatullah pada alam semesta ini.

(RAHMAT DISEBALIK DUGAAN, Kasmuri Selamat M A, Darul Nu'Man, ms 2-4)

i pray for you

don't speak so soon. you are not there yet. anyway, i wish you well!

is it acceptable?

i may sound a bit harsh or rude or whatever in that category in my prev entry. that's what happen when "read between the lines" doesn't work.

you see, i don't mean to be mad at anyone.. i'm not saying i'm right.. i'm not saying you are wrong.. but please, jgn la kata i'm wrong pulak.. (hey u, familiar tak?hehe..) ok serius! i know i may not be right all the time, and you are not wrong in everything.. but i hope we can accept and acknowledge the differences, the gap.. these gaps are almost impossible to be closed and i believe we've seen enough proof.. why don't we just take advantage of what we can still have and leave the gaps alone.. apology accepted (you don't even need to apologize actually) but i still insist you keep your distance and acknowledge my freedom to live the way i want..and show some respect towards my decisions.. u think u can accept that?

i just hope you can see what i see..

you are making it worse. you still don't get it do you? do i have to spell every word to make you understand?

i'm so sorry but what you think is best for me, is not what i think best for myself. it's not what i need, what i want. please understand. i need emotional support, advice, suggestion but i choose who i want to get it from, and it's definitely not from you. i have people who i trust, whose words i have confidence in, whose suggestions i include in my decisions, whose advice i carry with me wherever i go, and i'm just so sorry, you are not part of it. i'm sorry but you are not as important as you feel i am to you. i don't feel close to you at all, as you think you are to me. i just do what i feel i need to do, and it's already feel like a chore, what more to do something i don't think i need to.

you never know what i'm going through coz you never care. all that matters is always what YOU have to face, what YOU have to endure. i lost the love of my life, my soulmate. i don't expect you to know how it feels like because you are not tested with the same test. or perhaps, you never really understand what "soulmates" really mean. but at this moment, i couldn't care less what you feel, how you feel, what you think is right and not right..what you think i should and should not do..i don't care! i have so much things to be worried about at this point of time, so please if you really want to help, don't add new items into the list! i would just append it to my existing list, or worse, put it under number infinity or i may just put it in my temp folder and i'll pick up later, if it has not been automatically thrown into the recycle bin.

can't you understand the blood that runs in my vein, is totally of different traits. what works for you, may not always work for me. what you feel important, may not be important to me. the way we see things are different, because WE ARE DIFFERENT. I survive 28++ yrs of my life being independent, make my own decisions, share things with whom I CHOOSE to share as and when i feel like it! and alhamdulillah, i'm very comfortable with that and i'm not planning to change any part of it. So please, please stop acting like you are my lifesaver, cause as i last check, i need not to be saved. alhamdulillah, i'm doing just fine. and seriusly, sometimes, the best help you can offer me is DO NOTHING and DON'T EVEN TRY TO GET CLOSE! the closer you are trying to be, you actually pushing me even farther away. and please, before you even open your mouth to say i hurt your feelings, or you are sad, please bear in my mind - i don't care and i'm not interested to know.

please, all i need now is some space as i'm cathing up with the time.. i dont understand why it is so difficult for you while the space is not even yours! i just want to keep that distance. if you can't put me in his hugs, please don't put me anywhere else other than where i choose to be. if this is all about her, i would say, you can trust me..if you have to worry, then i guess you don't know me at all.. i'm a person who hold onto my principles.. i don't say things because i just want to "lepaskan perasaan" or just to make you feel good.. i mean what i say.. i choose my words..

i'm not mad at you.. i'm just so tired..suddenly my "special clock" that i specially allocated for you stop ticking..it just died and i guess that's when i just stop doing what i used to do..

i just hope God will make you see what i see..