new year is approaching! 2009! looking back.. the cliche is there for a reason.. coz it's true.. TIME DOES FLY FAST! so much to say about 2008..not sure where to begin..i guess, let's just give it a go, whatever cross my mind...
-9 January 2008 - erina celebrated her 2nd birthday, the first without daddy.
-26 March 2008 - marked one year without him physically by my side. alhamdulillah, i am still breathing. semoga Allah swt cucuri rahmat ke atas roh abang.. amin..
-i decided to move out from SA house and rent an apartment in SK. though it might not be a brilliant move to some, i couldn't thank Allah swt more for showing me that escape route if not a way out..
-alhamdulillah, Allah swt has opened the door to enable mak to perform her umrah.
-new skill acquired - i can now swim! :-)
-happy 29th birthday me! i'm older than you now honey!
-decided to go back to school.. to syam and krol, am not sure if i should thank you or "hate" you.. but i do look forward for the outcome.. so perhaps, it should be a THANK YOU!
-BALI trip deserves a dedicated point :-) amazing! such a relaxing gateaway! fun! fun! fun! nice place, great company.. couldn't ask for more!!
-i lost my beloved handphone after I came back from bali :(
- while i struggle to find my way in life again, more often than not, i keep on doing things without putting considerable amount of effort to weigh options i have. i don't even reason my actions sometimes.. i just do it! don't think of the consequences.. many and many of them are totally emotional. i may have hurt people's feelings, i disappoint people, i annoy people.. if i ever did that to you, please and please forgive me..
- i am continuously blessed with the presence of mak abah and family, without whose support i may be a little more fragile than i already am.. and friends have continuously offering help and advice, or just spare their ears for me..
-darling erina.. alhamdulillah, she's growing up well!! she cheers up my day! she makes me smile, cry, laugh and SCREEEAAAMMMM!!!! very2 very2 mulut bechok!! i thank God every single day for ERINA! mummy sayang erina banyak jugak!
-again, i am not being denial, i think i already REDHA Allah swt has taken him back away from me. but i just miss him so very very much and somehow i think it's becoming more intense that sometimes, saying his name can make me cry. i love you sayang always and forever..
well, to me, 2008 is a year for me to start realizing that life, no matter how much i wish it ends soonest possible, IT WON'T until Allah swt says it's time. The WHEN will remain unknown until the clock is pointing to the right moment. while i still have the chance, change what i can change, redha with what i can't and be thankful and grateful with what i've been given. of course, the theory sounds a lot easier than the practical. i know i need to open my eyes wider, open my heart, open my mind and see that FUTURE in actual fact is VAGUE for everyone but Allah swt.. HAPPY is very subjective.. and SADNESS is a good lesson to learn to APPRECIATE.. while LOVE remains at heart..
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Salam Maal Hijrah 1430H
i deleted the prev post. somehow i felt so pathetic of myself and i just don't like it.
anyway, the maal hijrah is just few minutes away. semoga segala amalan kita untuk 1429 H diterima Allah swt. Kekalkan segala yg baik dan semoga yg tak baik dijadikan pengalaman yang berguna utk perbaiki diri kita di tahun baru dah tahun2 akan datang.
semoga Allah swt terus melimpahkan kasih sayangNya dan rahmatNya utk diri kita, keluarga, sahabat handai dan seluruh umat islam dalam mencari keredhaan Allah swt di dunia dan akhirat...
dan utk muslimin muslimat, mukminin mukminat yg telah pergi dulu dr kita, semoga Allah swt ringankan siksa kubur mereka dan tempatkan mereka di tempat yg baik dan indah di sisi Nya..
Amin..
p/s: jgn lupa byk doa akhir tahun & awal tahun hijrah..
anyway, the maal hijrah is just few minutes away. semoga segala amalan kita untuk 1429 H diterima Allah swt. Kekalkan segala yg baik dan semoga yg tak baik dijadikan pengalaman yang berguna utk perbaiki diri kita di tahun baru dah tahun2 akan datang.
semoga Allah swt terus melimpahkan kasih sayangNya dan rahmatNya utk diri kita, keluarga, sahabat handai dan seluruh umat islam dalam mencari keredhaan Allah swt di dunia dan akhirat...
dan utk muslimin muslimat, mukminin mukminat yg telah pergi dulu dr kita, semoga Allah swt ringankan siksa kubur mereka dan tempatkan mereka di tempat yg baik dan indah di sisi Nya..
Amin..
p/s: jgn lupa byk doa akhir tahun & awal tahun hijrah..
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
erina ckp cina
erina: mummy, ni hau ma?
mummy: ??
erina: mummy apa khabar?
mana pulak la dia belajar ckp cina nih????
mummy: ??
erina: mummy apa khabar?
mana pulak la dia belajar ckp cina nih????
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
ABC
it's 11.30pm and i am missing milo ais pekat and roti telur bawang ABC. well, if you are staying around Cheras BTHO or Alam Damai, you probably familiar dgn satu kedai mamak open 24hours - ALWAYS BEST CHOICE, ABC for short :-)
before kenal abang, kedai mamak was definitely not in my list la.. tak lalu..tp since abang suka sgt makan kari mamak, so terikut la.. when we were studying, our favourite was Maulana la kan.. after that cinta beralih arah kepada ABC..hehe..bila dah start keje before kawin, kalau abang kena keje malam, abang selalu akan tapau kan nasi lemak ayam kampung ABC and hantar kat umah on the way to office (off the way actually ;-) ) after dah kawin, lagi la selalu gi situ. time pregnant, i had the biggest "crush" with the MILO AIS PEKAT! sampaikan abang risau coz takut baby gelap! ye la imagine kitorang pernah drive there pkl 2am kot semata-mata nak milo ais! yg buat sendiri kat umah tak cukup best:-) ye-ye.. memang sgt mengada!! and sepanjang pregnancy, especially during the earlier months, i hv this one problem tak lalu nak makan kat umah in law..tak tau apasal.. even the sight of the rice made me felt nauseated. so utk tidak mengecilkan hati mana2 pihak, we'd try to avoid lunch kat umah.. and mlm pulak, before dinner time, nanti abang akan temankan pegi dinner dulu kat ABC.. so time semua org dinner nanti, i would just act je makan nasi sikit2.. hehe.. siapa tak sayang bini kan?? :-) bila cukup 40 hari pantang, dah ajak abg pegi ABC dah..then erina besar sikit, dia pun kitorang angkut skali pegi and pekerja2 situ sampai minat betul ngan erina.. suka la diorang nak cubit pipi erina la apa.. hehee..normally for tea gi situ sebab nak makan mee kari.. and kalau dinner either nasi lemak or chicken chop.. eh ke chicken maryland entah nama dia.. for supper, roti telur bawang garing and tahu bakar..abg dengan tose or roti nan.. or kekadang kitorang melantak nasi lemak gak la for supper.. and MILO AIS PEKAT pastinya my menu wajib!
masa jaga abg kat hospital, ade satu mlm tuh, kitorang duk list down kan makanan apa yg kitorang nak masukkan dlm "WISH LIST" kitorang..hehehe.. and of course la menu from ABC tu menjadi antara yg paling top! siap dah plan one of the first things kena buat kalau dpt blk ialah kena pegi ABC! pastu ade gak terfikir nak suh his brother tapau and deliver ke hospital ;-)
dah lama gile dah tak pegi sana..almost 2yrs that is.. everytime pegi visit his grave, sure akan lalu depan ABC tuh, but i don't think i can ever singgah there again.. i can still remember where he always parked the car if we just wanted to tapau..can still terbayang i waited in the car while abang order milo ais when i was pregnant sbb masa tu dah pkl 2am and abg tak bg kluar kete sbb dia kata dah lewat.. and also another time ni tunggu kat dlm kete ngan erina sbb hujan.. kadang2 pegi berjalan sampai ke KL, blk still nak singgah ABC tapau milo ais ;-)
apa boleh buat kan.. kalau tak, mungkin muka erina dah boleh jadi model utk ABC ;-)
before kenal abang, kedai mamak was definitely not in my list la.. tak lalu..tp since abang suka sgt makan kari mamak, so terikut la.. when we were studying, our favourite was Maulana la kan.. after that cinta beralih arah kepada ABC..hehe..bila dah start keje before kawin, kalau abang kena keje malam, abang selalu akan tapau kan nasi lemak ayam kampung ABC and hantar kat umah on the way to office (off the way actually ;-) ) after dah kawin, lagi la selalu gi situ. time pregnant, i had the biggest "crush" with the MILO AIS PEKAT! sampaikan abang risau coz takut baby gelap! ye la imagine kitorang pernah drive there pkl 2am kot semata-mata nak milo ais! yg buat sendiri kat umah tak cukup best:-) ye-ye.. memang sgt mengada!! and sepanjang pregnancy, especially during the earlier months, i hv this one problem tak lalu nak makan kat umah in law..tak tau apasal.. even the sight of the rice made me felt nauseated. so utk tidak mengecilkan hati mana2 pihak, we'd try to avoid lunch kat umah.. and mlm pulak, before dinner time, nanti abang akan temankan pegi dinner dulu kat ABC.. so time semua org dinner nanti, i would just act je makan nasi sikit2.. hehe.. siapa tak sayang bini kan?? :-) bila cukup 40 hari pantang, dah ajak abg pegi ABC dah..then erina besar sikit, dia pun kitorang angkut skali pegi and pekerja2 situ sampai minat betul ngan erina.. suka la diorang nak cubit pipi erina la apa.. hehee..normally for tea gi situ sebab nak makan mee kari.. and kalau dinner either nasi lemak or chicken chop.. eh ke chicken maryland entah nama dia.. for supper, roti telur bawang garing and tahu bakar..abg dengan tose or roti nan.. or kekadang kitorang melantak nasi lemak gak la for supper.. and MILO AIS PEKAT pastinya my menu wajib!
masa jaga abg kat hospital, ade satu mlm tuh, kitorang duk list down kan makanan apa yg kitorang nak masukkan dlm "WISH LIST" kitorang..hehehe.. and of course la menu from ABC tu menjadi antara yg paling top! siap dah plan one of the first things kena buat kalau dpt blk ialah kena pegi ABC! pastu ade gak terfikir nak suh his brother tapau and deliver ke hospital ;-)
dah lama gile dah tak pegi sana..almost 2yrs that is.. everytime pegi visit his grave, sure akan lalu depan ABC tuh, but i don't think i can ever singgah there again.. i can still remember where he always parked the car if we just wanted to tapau..can still terbayang i waited in the car while abang order milo ais when i was pregnant sbb masa tu dah pkl 2am and abg tak bg kluar kete sbb dia kata dah lewat.. and also another time ni tunggu kat dlm kete ngan erina sbb hujan.. kadang2 pegi berjalan sampai ke KL, blk still nak singgah ABC tapau milo ais ;-)
apa boleh buat kan.. kalau tak, mungkin muka erina dah boleh jadi model utk ABC ;-)
above pictures were taken masa we had tea kat ABC.. it was Saturday and we stucked at home sbb abang kena keje siapkan tender.. nasib baik work from home.. by ptg, i told abg, we really need to go out from the house and have a break sbb abg muka dah stress tak bergerak dr depan notebook dr pagi.. so we went out jalan2 naik kete kat area alam damai and blk tu singgah tea kat ABC.. gambar ni was taken early 2007..erina masih rambut straight masa ni..hehe.. just few days before erina turned 1yr old.. and just matter of months before he left us..
(and tak dilupakan jugak kena marah masa singgah umah BTHO afterwards sbb pakaikan erina baju tuh .. reason sbb sejuk..and also kena marah sbb had tea kat luar... hmm. niat suci nak buat lawatan ramah mesra was ruined.. itu pun nak marah ke.. sthing i didn't understand until this very day...but it no longer matters..)
Monday, December 22, 2008
i'll be in the car
official website: http://www.illbeinthecar.com/i am amazed at how Annette, the author of this book, told her side of the stories in "fighting" leukemia, not as the patient herself, but as the caregiver. she was being very honest to herself, about being strong, being positive, being the no 1 supporter for her dying husband and at the same time being devastated, disappointed, frustrated, dissatisfied...etc..etc.. she then continued on how she chose to move on after her husband's death, and how she's actually making her steps. i can feel that she's being herself, telling the world what she felt to go through such pain. the pain may have nothing similar to the effect from the chemotheraphy, yet hurts so bad though may not as much!
(picture from http://www.curledup.com/illbecar.htm)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
why not me
i am not feeling well since yesterday. the tears seem unstoppable for whatever reason my mind can think of. and of course, the "i wish"," if only", "what if" top the list.. the 'analysis' going on in my mind drained my energy more than the cold itself!! i thought lying in bed could help me to recover. not! unfortunately it didn't manage to put my brain to rest.
so i was googling when i came across a sister's blog who is now fighting with breastcancer.. i shed a lot more tears as i read how she described the pain, the side effect from the chemo, the emotional ups and downs.. but alhamdulillah she has a wonderful husband and family at her side.. comparing myself and herself, i feel ashamed.. my cold is only like 0.0000001% of her suffering.. yet here i am whining and grumbling.. how ungrateful.. i wonder if Allah swt is actually answering my question -- why him, and not myself? perhaps I don't have what it takes to be at that special place...that's why..
to me, people like that sister, like abang, and everyone else who Allah swt has tested with such illness are indeed the chosen ones.. Allah swt will not burden us with something we can't bear or tolerate.. i witnessed the sufferings, the battle that abang went through and it ripped my heart out knowing that another soul is walking the same path.. i couldn't even begin to imagine being in their place but i am sure Allah swt has a good reason for writing that down in their "book".. i pray patience will keep them strong and if everything else hurts, at least I hope they can always find comfort in Allah swt promise - "Sesungguhnya diberi ganjaran orang sabar dengan pahala tanpa hisab." (Surah az-Zumar; 10)... and that goes as a reminder to myself too..
so i was googling when i came across a sister's blog who is now fighting with breastcancer.. i shed a lot more tears as i read how she described the pain, the side effect from the chemo, the emotional ups and downs.. but alhamdulillah she has a wonderful husband and family at her side.. comparing myself and herself, i feel ashamed.. my cold is only like 0.0000001% of her suffering.. yet here i am whining and grumbling.. how ungrateful.. i wonder if Allah swt is actually answering my question -- why him, and not myself? perhaps I don't have what it takes to be at that special place...that's why..
to me, people like that sister, like abang, and everyone else who Allah swt has tested with such illness are indeed the chosen ones.. Allah swt will not burden us with something we can't bear or tolerate.. i witnessed the sufferings, the battle that abang went through and it ripped my heart out knowing that another soul is walking the same path.. i couldn't even begin to imagine being in their place but i am sure Allah swt has a good reason for writing that down in their "book".. i pray patience will keep them strong and if everything else hurts, at least I hope they can always find comfort in Allah swt promise - "Sesungguhnya diberi ganjaran orang sabar dengan pahala tanpa hisab." (Surah az-Zumar; 10)... and that goes as a reminder to myself too..
The expansion
I found this piece of advice on a muslim forum:
"Along with every hardship is relief"
In life, there will be things that could affect us emotionally and physically. That's just the way life is because only Allah is PERFECT.
And we are responsible for our own life.
Do thank Allah swt that you are spared the pain that someone else is or was going through...
No matter how difficult and complicated I think my life is, I know there's always someone out there who experience worse. For that I thank Allah swt for all His countless blessings. For them, I pray Allah swt will ease their situation and their pain.. May Allah swt grant us strength, piece and courage in the form of Iman, in every test He put us through. Amin.
With all my heart and soul, I believe that indeed, with every difficulty there is relief.. if it's not in this imperfect world.. insya Allah.. in the hereafter.. the eternity..
Our Lord! Let not our hearts deviate (from the truth) after You have guided us, and grant us mercy from You. Truly, You are the Bestower. [al-'Imran: 8]
Our Lord! Verily, it is You Who will gather mankind together on the Day about which there is no doubt. Verily, Allah never breaks His Promise. [al-'Imran: 9]
Sunday, December 14, 2008
NL trip.. part II
the new office was located in The Hague.. i'd say it looks nicer then our old office in Leidschendam.. even the surrounding looks livelier.
the whole week was packed with workshop, discussion, daily work, team dinner, team event, chatting, snapping pictures :-)
we have to juggle our daily tasks and the workshop. lots of things were discussed and brainstormed. truthfully speaking i was and still am a little bit disappointed with some of the outcome (which i'm still struggling to console myself..). Nevertheless, we did have productive sessions which we could hardly accomplish over teleconference. monday was ended with a nice team dinner at an italian restaurant while on tuesday, the day was longer for us as the big boss tried to complete the 1-1 session till almost 8pm. well, 8pm didn't sound so late for some of us in Malaysia, but it surely did for the dutch (at least for S// dutch). for them, 5pm is just nice, 6pm is a little bit too much and any later is definitely too much! even the shops and malls are closed by 6pm. only restaurants and grocery stores are still open till late night.
on wednesday, the first half of the day was spent at the office finishing our tasks. by noon, we were already out for our team event. hans planned a trip to see the Batavia ship in a place called Lalystad, after nobody except myself voted for water rafting at an indoor stadium, and a visit to Carlsberg was cancelled out of respect for myself, the only muslim in the team. Anyway, seeing the ship was nice but i would definitely appreciate it more given a better temperature. i almost couldn't feel my fingers and my face was numb! later that evening, we had our dinner at a restaurant nearby. since they didn't have english version menu, so hans and jerrel became our translator. perhaps i should consider attending dutch class before my next trip :-)
the whole week was packed with workshop, discussion, daily work, team dinner, team event, chatting, snapping pictures :-)
we have to juggle our daily tasks and the workshop. lots of things were discussed and brainstormed. truthfully speaking i was and still am a little bit disappointed with some of the outcome (which i'm still struggling to console myself..). Nevertheless, we did have productive sessions which we could hardly accomplish over teleconference. monday was ended with a nice team dinner at an italian restaurant while on tuesday, the day was longer for us as the big boss tried to complete the 1-1 session till almost 8pm. well, 8pm didn't sound so late for some of us in Malaysia, but it surely did for the dutch (at least for S// dutch). for them, 5pm is just nice, 6pm is a little bit too much and any later is definitely too much! even the shops and malls are closed by 6pm. only restaurants and grocery stores are still open till late night.
from left: dave, jerrel, me, tony, hans (the boss), madeline, ralf (the big boss), jesse, rendell
on wednesday, the first half of the day was spent at the office finishing our tasks. by noon, we were already out for our team event. hans planned a trip to see the Batavia ship in a place called Lalystad, after nobody except myself voted for water rafting at an indoor stadium, and a visit to Carlsberg was cancelled out of respect for myself, the only muslim in the team. Anyway, seeing the ship was nice but i would definitely appreciate it more given a better temperature. i almost couldn't feel my fingers and my face was numb! later that evening, we had our dinner at a restaurant nearby. since they didn't have english version menu, so hans and jerrel became our translator. perhaps i should consider attending dutch class before my next trip :-)
ps: HERE for more pictures.
NL trip.. part I
it's been a week since i came back from the dutch land. the whole team gathered there for short 1 week workshop/meeting. being in the new co. now, some changes in travel arrangement were expected. truthfully speaking, it was not that bad actually if we didn't try to compare with what we used to be getting from S//.
on the departure night, at the check in counter, i was surprised by "sorry cik. ade problem laa. the flight is overbooked."... haaa?? explain further please... "your name is in the "extra list".. only you.. your 2 friends memang dah confirmed on the flight".... my first thought "no wonder i had a baaadddd feeling about this trip".. i was hoping she said "you have to cancel/postpone the trip".... hehehe.. sbb serius by that time, mmg MALAS giler nak pegi..tp tak kan la kan.. so she explained "there are 2 options.. first, you naik same flight but economy class.. we put you on waiting list for business class..incase ade org cancel..".. urrgghh... alaa.. tak best la... "OR, you have to travel to LONDON then fly to amsterdam...in FIRST CLASS! ".. wwooohhaaa.. that sounds like something.. by then tony was standing behind me waiting for his turn to check in... told him..bla..bla.. it didn't take me long to decide.. "Ok la. i take the flight to London!" though that means additional about 4hours of journey.. i thought, dah la memang half-hearted nak pegi kan..so let's do something different sikit.. hoping boleh lift up my mood a little bit..
on the departure night, at the check in counter, i was surprised by "sorry cik. ade problem laa. the flight is overbooked."... haaa?? explain further please... "your name is in the "extra list".. only you.. your 2 friends memang dah confirmed on the flight".... my first thought "no wonder i had a baaadddd feeling about this trip".. i was hoping she said "you have to cancel/postpone the trip".... hehehe.. sbb serius by that time, mmg MALAS giler nak pegi..tp tak kan la kan.. so she explained "there are 2 options.. first, you naik same flight but economy class.. we put you on waiting list for business class..incase ade org cancel..".. urrgghh... alaa.. tak best la... "OR, you have to travel to LONDON then fly to amsterdam...in FIRST CLASS! ".. wwooohhaaa.. that sounds like something.. by then tony was standing behind me waiting for his turn to check in... told him..bla..bla.. it didn't take me long to decide.. "Ok la. i take the flight to London!" though that means additional about 4hours of journey.. i thought, dah la memang half-hearted nak pegi kan..so let's do something different sikit.. hoping boleh lift up my mood a little bit..
i brought rubik's cube with me :-) masuk dlm flight.. the steward, Syed noticed that and tanya "agak2 by the time reach london dah boleh solve ke?" hehehe... of course tak!! that was not my first time naik first class, so takde la jakun sgt like the first time :D
reached heathrow london around 5.30 i think and my next flight was scheduled at 7.30am. so i have about 2hours to collect my boarding pass and find my way. takde la susah pun nak jumpa. dlm coach nak ke terminal 5, sorang pakcik ni tegur.. "dik nak pegi mana?" dik?? hehe..pakcik tu was on his way nak pegi munich for a business meeting. i told him, i'm going to amsterdam.."study kat sana ke?".. "taklah.. keje.." lepas ambik boarding pass tak jumpa dah pakcik tuh. taksempat ckp bye :-)
not that many people.. kedai bukak but i only have euro cash.. mls nak guna card so i didn't buy anything pun.. terus pegi business lounge.. sempat la freshen up and online kejap..
left picture is one section kat BA lounge.. on the right is heathrow terminal 5 taken from the lounge.. slept all the way from London to Amsterdam.. sedar2 dah nak landing kat schipol airport.. after collect my luggage, terus la cari camana nak ambik train.. the last time i was there, there were bill, tony and yujin.. so i just follow them je.. this time, kena survive sendiri.. beli ticket to den haag central then from there kena naik tram heading to scheveningen..
alhamdulillah selamat sampai kurhaus hotel around 12.30pm. the hotel where we stayed, Kurhaus Hotel located near the beach.. since my room was not ready, i called tony and madeline to come down meet me.. then tumpang bilik madeline to do whatever necessary before going out jalan2 and lunch!! it was snowing by the time we wanted to go out.. my first experience..so mcm jakun sikit la :-)
we then had our lunch.. jalan2 and later met dave and jesse at the hotel after which all of us went out for dinner together.. it was my first time meeting jesse, latest addition to the team.. he appeared to be nothing similar to what i imagined he would be.. he laughed when told him i was expecting a tall, white, blonde guy.. hahahhaa..
ps: HERE for more pictures.
Friday, December 12, 2008
where's boyfriend?
i just read a blog post by a sister who went through the same ordeal, on the status issue for people "like us". should it be a Mrs or Ms?
During the first few months after abg passed, I always insist on "Mrs". The reason was because it made me felt like I was still "connected" and very close to him.. "Ms" was like people trying to "detach" him from me and my life. NO-NO i am not being denial.. i guess it's just me trying to preserve every single thing he brought into my life, everything that relates me to him and him to me..and yes, the title included. whenever i have to fill up a form, without second thought i would select the "M", unless the "W" was clearly stated as an option. no, i did not laugh about it. it was not funny and it was not something my mind considered as something to be questioned!
But as time goes by.. when my sense of humor started to kick in again.. i then started to think that perhaps, i should reconsider my selection.. for no reason.. it just felt a little bit weird.. no, not weird.. just confused.. while i do still consider myself as married to him, the community and the world may not see it the same way.. so there's some kind of mismatch there.. after some time, just for fun, i asked friends "am i a Mrs or a Ms now??" and started laughing about it because nobody can give me the exact, convincing answer... some friends would come up with their own opinion.. and some just "entah.. does it matter?" it's either they just couldn't be bothered, or they're just playing it safe coz there's a possibility that they would say something opposite to what i expected..
"don't make decision until you have to" (quote from "The Last Lecture") so i let my mind plays its role as and when I have to confront that question, either in written or verbal.. and of course, my mood also act as the co-pilot here.. so as you can guess, consistency is out of the question..
how do i tackle "where's your husband" or "what does your husband do?" well, if he/she is a complete stranger (which is often the case), i just say, "he's working".. "he's an engineer".. and all questions that follow will be answered in that mode... i'd give all the correct facts, except i don't tell that most of them only applicable some time ago.. if that person is someone i know, i just tell the truth, as in he has passed away.. and most of the time, the question stops there. but the frequency has greatly reduced by now..
one of the most awkward situation i was put in was during my division dinner mid this year which was attended by roughly about 400 people i think.. to my surprise, my number was called for one of the lucky draw winner.. excitedly, i walked up on stage to receive the prize.. it was a heavy big hamper.. as i was struggling with the hamper and tried to be extra cautious (dgn kebaya and heels lagi!) the mc, with the mic in his hand, suddenly shouted to the crowd "boyfriend mana, tolong la.." (notice the word 'boyfriend'.. do i look that young??:-) ) no answer, nobody dares i think... then he looked at me and asked, "where's your boyfriend??".. dang! i didn't see that coming.. for that split second, surprisingly my mind was fast enough to list a few answers 1) he's with God 2) he couldn't make it 3) he's here, somewhere.... but i ended up with "he's not here".. for a few moments, the hall, which i could safely say 80% of them knew his 'well being', went silent.. am not sure if they were shocked by the question, or the answer!
in a different occassion.. during an open house hosted by a close friend, one of the guests asked "dtg 2 org je ke?", referring to myself and erina...i answered yes.. then she went on.."ni first one ke?" pointing to erina.. i answered "haah.. the only one.." ..next question "bila nak ade yang second pulak??" i just laughed and looked at my friend who's sitting next to me.. and spontaneously, my friend said to me.."ohh.. nanti aku gi alamanda, aku belikan satu utk ko ok?"... hahahhaa.. that's one creative answer!
During the first few months after abg passed, I always insist on "Mrs". The reason was because it made me felt like I was still "connected" and very close to him.. "Ms" was like people trying to "detach" him from me and my life. NO-NO i am not being denial.. i guess it's just me trying to preserve every single thing he brought into my life, everything that relates me to him and him to me..and yes, the title included. whenever i have to fill up a form, without second thought i would select the "M", unless the "W" was clearly stated as an option. no, i did not laugh about it. it was not funny and it was not something my mind considered as something to be questioned!
But as time goes by.. when my sense of humor started to kick in again.. i then started to think that perhaps, i should reconsider my selection.. for no reason.. it just felt a little bit weird.. no, not weird.. just confused.. while i do still consider myself as married to him, the community and the world may not see it the same way.. so there's some kind of mismatch there.. after some time, just for fun, i asked friends "am i a Mrs or a Ms now??" and started laughing about it because nobody can give me the exact, convincing answer... some friends would come up with their own opinion.. and some just "entah.. does it matter?" it's either they just couldn't be bothered, or they're just playing it safe coz there's a possibility that they would say something opposite to what i expected..
"don't make decision until you have to" (quote from "The Last Lecture") so i let my mind plays its role as and when I have to confront that question, either in written or verbal.. and of course, my mood also act as the co-pilot here.. so as you can guess, consistency is out of the question..
how do i tackle "where's your husband" or "what does your husband do?" well, if he/she is a complete stranger (which is often the case), i just say, "he's working".. "he's an engineer".. and all questions that follow will be answered in that mode... i'd give all the correct facts, except i don't tell that most of them only applicable some time ago.. if that person is someone i know, i just tell the truth, as in he has passed away.. and most of the time, the question stops there. but the frequency has greatly reduced by now..
one of the most awkward situation i was put in was during my division dinner mid this year which was attended by roughly about 400 people i think.. to my surprise, my number was called for one of the lucky draw winner.. excitedly, i walked up on stage to receive the prize.. it was a heavy big hamper.. as i was struggling with the hamper and tried to be extra cautious (dgn kebaya and heels lagi!) the mc, with the mic in his hand, suddenly shouted to the crowd "boyfriend mana, tolong la.." (notice the word 'boyfriend'.. do i look that young??:-) ) no answer, nobody dares i think... then he looked at me and asked, "where's your boyfriend??".. dang! i didn't see that coming.. for that split second, surprisingly my mind was fast enough to list a few answers 1) he's with God 2) he couldn't make it 3) he's here, somewhere.... but i ended up with "he's not here".. for a few moments, the hall, which i could safely say 80% of them knew his 'well being', went silent.. am not sure if they were shocked by the question, or the answer!
in a different occassion.. during an open house hosted by a close friend, one of the guests asked "dtg 2 org je ke?", referring to myself and erina...i answered yes.. then she went on.."ni first one ke?" pointing to erina.. i answered "haah.. the only one.." ..next question "bila nak ade yang second pulak??" i just laughed and looked at my friend who's sitting next to me.. and spontaneously, my friend said to me.."ohh.. nanti aku gi alamanda, aku belikan satu utk ko ok?"... hahahhaa.. that's one creative answer!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
continue praying my friend
ok. thot nak habis kan baca buku. tp dah tak larat and pening kepala dah. erina dah tido.
i went to visit kawan yg anak dia masuk icu tuh on Tuesday since still cuti lagi. kesiannya tengok dia. it broke my heart to see her in that condition actually, and biasa la everytime pegi hospital, sure otak ni akan keep on recall semua bende la kan. the nice memories and not so nice ones. her baby was warded at the same hospital erina was born. so i tried to keep my mind more on the nicer ones as much as possible.
all the way to the hospital, i was kind of scared. scared what if she cried. that's not the main thing actually.. the real thing is what if i am the one yg nangis? ye la dgn lately ni the emotional part of me always overflow je kan. but then, i convinced myself, i really want to do this. to be there with her.. at least for a few minutes pun jadila. i know i am making a lot of assumptions here. while most ppl may think "taknak la kacau dia.. she wants to be alone".. i think differently.. well, i admit, mula2 i have that kind of feeling too.. but i just didn't feel right.. and when i received her email, i knew i was definitely wrong. i should have listened to my heart. was i not there at almost the same spot where she is now some time ago? and what did i want? having ppl close to me around or ppl to leave me go through it alone? the former was always the better option (provided they are not in my "leave-me-alone" list la of course!) so the email was a good sign that i'm not in her "leave-me-alone" list.. without second thought, i drove my car to spend some time with her..
the depression i sense from her email was reflected in her face. i pity her. i seriusly feel like hugging her, but thinking that could be a trigger for tears, i just smile. first thing that cross my mind -> she wasn't really there. she's in the icu room with her boy. second -> how lucky the baby is, to be loved that much!! and third -> alhamdulillah, Allah swt bless her with strength to still be able to stand and greet me.. to still be able to think wisely. i don't know how other people may look at it, but to me, she's brave.. she's brave to let her worried shows on her face but still could hide it in her voice. unlike myself.. i was not brave enough to express myself that way.. i was always equiped with the smile trying very hard not to let even a trace of worried or weakness on my face or in the voice. i welcomed whoever come to visit with a smile.. she on the other hand is putting a neutral face, but i can sense the worried.. not the weak type of worried. but the full of hope and full of love kind.. she just needs a little bit of support.. we chat for almost 2hours or more.. and as we talked, i slowly see some "life" in that neutral face.. but oh boy, she is strong! you can't expect her to be hopping around as if nothing happen kan.. the one you love so much, your bundle of joy is fighting for his world.. no matter how much you try to be positive and keep your spirit high, there will be time when you feel so down when tears seems the only thing that can come near you.. i told her, what i believe.. i believe that tears don't always mean weakness.. tears more often than not, mean love and how much something or someone means to me.. it's beyond any language in this imperfect world can represent.. it's from the heart, into the nerves and naturally result in tears.. but of course, as a muslim, there is certain limit to cry out your tears.. so keep within that line, continue praying and never ever give up! insya Allah.. Allah swt will always keep you close to Him..
i may have been there, in the same shoes... but i just couldn't even start to imagine how she must be feeling at this moment.. i dare not compare her experience with mine.. all i can do is to try to accept and understand what she feels, what she thinks, and how she chooses to deal with it.. because there are some similarities in the main points, yet the details can be so much different.. i just share my experience and how i deal with it.. and i know she's wise enough to copy whichever fit for her.. and modify where necessary.. and perhaps that can inspire her to draw her own strategy..
i am happy to receive yet another email from her last night telling me she felt a bit relief having the chance to talk to someone who understands.. i thank Allah swt for giving me the strength to actually be there and again, as always put a brave front.. it was not as hard as i thought it would be..
"setiap yang terjadi ade hikmahnya" may be too cliche.. but i just couldn't agree more.. while we normally think of how it will benefit ourselves, we should try to think in a different angle.. the hikmah bukan hanya utk kita saja.. tp mungkin utk org lain jugak.. i'm happy that my experience one way or another has helped a friend.. to listen, to understand, to give her some support.. though i doubt any of that can restore her baby's health... i guess, that part I leave it to Allah swt to decide the best and as a friend, as a muslim.. i will continously doa for her and her boy..
i went to visit kawan yg anak dia masuk icu tuh on Tuesday since still cuti lagi. kesiannya tengok dia. it broke my heart to see her in that condition actually, and biasa la everytime pegi hospital, sure otak ni akan keep on recall semua bende la kan. the nice memories and not so nice ones. her baby was warded at the same hospital erina was born. so i tried to keep my mind more on the nicer ones as much as possible.
all the way to the hospital, i was kind of scared. scared what if she cried. that's not the main thing actually.. the real thing is what if i am the one yg nangis? ye la dgn lately ni the emotional part of me always overflow je kan. but then, i convinced myself, i really want to do this. to be there with her.. at least for a few minutes pun jadila. i know i am making a lot of assumptions here. while most ppl may think "taknak la kacau dia.. she wants to be alone".. i think differently.. well, i admit, mula2 i have that kind of feeling too.. but i just didn't feel right.. and when i received her email, i knew i was definitely wrong. i should have listened to my heart. was i not there at almost the same spot where she is now some time ago? and what did i want? having ppl close to me around or ppl to leave me go through it alone? the former was always the better option (provided they are not in my "leave-me-alone" list la of course!) so the email was a good sign that i'm not in her "leave-me-alone" list.. without second thought, i drove my car to spend some time with her..
the depression i sense from her email was reflected in her face. i pity her. i seriusly feel like hugging her, but thinking that could be a trigger for tears, i just smile. first thing that cross my mind -> she wasn't really there. she's in the icu room with her boy. second -> how lucky the baby is, to be loved that much!! and third -> alhamdulillah, Allah swt bless her with strength to still be able to stand and greet me.. to still be able to think wisely. i don't know how other people may look at it, but to me, she's brave.. she's brave to let her worried shows on her face but still could hide it in her voice. unlike myself.. i was not brave enough to express myself that way.. i was always equiped with the smile trying very hard not to let even a trace of worried or weakness on my face or in the voice. i welcomed whoever come to visit with a smile.. she on the other hand is putting a neutral face, but i can sense the worried.. not the weak type of worried. but the full of hope and full of love kind.. she just needs a little bit of support.. we chat for almost 2hours or more.. and as we talked, i slowly see some "life" in that neutral face.. but oh boy, she is strong! you can't expect her to be hopping around as if nothing happen kan.. the one you love so much, your bundle of joy is fighting for his world.. no matter how much you try to be positive and keep your spirit high, there will be time when you feel so down when tears seems the only thing that can come near you.. i told her, what i believe.. i believe that tears don't always mean weakness.. tears more often than not, mean love and how much something or someone means to me.. it's beyond any language in this imperfect world can represent.. it's from the heart, into the nerves and naturally result in tears.. but of course, as a muslim, there is certain limit to cry out your tears.. so keep within that line, continue praying and never ever give up! insya Allah.. Allah swt will always keep you close to Him..
i may have been there, in the same shoes... but i just couldn't even start to imagine how she must be feeling at this moment.. i dare not compare her experience with mine.. all i can do is to try to accept and understand what she feels, what she thinks, and how she chooses to deal with it.. because there are some similarities in the main points, yet the details can be so much different.. i just share my experience and how i deal with it.. and i know she's wise enough to copy whichever fit for her.. and modify where necessary.. and perhaps that can inspire her to draw her own strategy..
i am happy to receive yet another email from her last night telling me she felt a bit relief having the chance to talk to someone who understands.. i thank Allah swt for giving me the strength to actually be there and again, as always put a brave front.. it was not as hard as i thought it would be..
"setiap yang terjadi ade hikmahnya" may be too cliche.. but i just couldn't agree more.. while we normally think of how it will benefit ourselves, we should try to think in a different angle.. the hikmah bukan hanya utk kita saja.. tp mungkin utk org lain jugak.. i'm happy that my experience one way or another has helped a friend.. to listen, to understand, to give her some support.. though i doubt any of that can restore her baby's health... i guess, that part I leave it to Allah swt to decide the best and as a friend, as a muslim.. i will continously doa for her and her boy..
udah siap
finally.. i think i have a working program! yeyyy!! alhamdulillah..
sempat blog, sempat download lagu, sempat upload gambar, sempat main ngan erina, sempat baca buku.. hehehe.. agak2 kalau concentrate betul2 boleh siap lagi cepat tak? hmmm.. ke bleh jadi stress sorang2 plak? takpe la...ok apa kan.. still within dateline :-)
so i am closing my brain's door to c, vbox, linux dan segala yg berkaitan for now. boleh continue baca "the last lecture". yeye! it's public holiday!! let's see si makcik erina nak buat apa ptg nih..
sempat blog, sempat download lagu, sempat upload gambar, sempat main ngan erina, sempat baca buku.. hehehe.. agak2 kalau concentrate betul2 boleh siap lagi cepat tak? hmmm.. ke bleh jadi stress sorang2 plak? takpe la...ok apa kan.. still within dateline :-)
so i am closing my brain's door to c, vbox, linux dan segala yg berkaitan for now. boleh continue baca "the last lecture". yeye! it's public holiday!! let's see si makcik erina nak buat apa ptg nih..
walau dunia tak seindah syurga
Laskar Pelangi - Nidji
mimpi adalah kunci
untuk kita menaklukkan dunia
berlarilah tanpa lelah
sampai engkau meraihnya
laskar pelangi
takkan terikat waktu
bebaskan mimpimu di angkasa
warnai bintang di jiwa
menarilah dan terus tertawa
walau dunia tak seindah surga
bersyukurlah pada Yang Kuasa
cinta kita di dunia
selamanya…
cinta kepada hidup
memberikan senyuman abadi
walau hidup kadang tak adil
tapi cinta lengkapi kita
laskar pelangi
takkan terikat waktu
jangan berhenti mewarnai
jutaan mimpi di bumi
menarilah dan terus tertawa
walau dunia tak seindah surga
bersyukurlah pada Yang Kuasa
cinta kita di dunia
selamanya…
fail to compile.. so i read!
my c program failed to compile. and i couldn't find any answer from Google. tried a few solutions given by the experts, no luck! and not to stress myself, i switched to "The Last Lecture", the newest in my collection. Being a very slow reader, i know i'm gonna need a few days to complete the book. after only 50 pages, i seriusly am loving it. absorbing every word and every line.. which contribute to even slower speed.. and because i have that c-prog to submit to mr sv by friday, i have to refrain myself from being too "attach" to the book, otherwise sayonara to the c-prog!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
salam aidiladha
yang menarik..
- he visited me!! ...left me smiling ear to ear :D
- all my siblings decided to celebrate raya at my house this year! yeye!! had a small bbq on mlm raya.. and dpt pegi solat raya :-)
- mq has safely delivered a healthy baby boy around 9pm 9 zulhijjah..(twin erina..hehehe) alhamdulillah! congrats! my first salam to little prince! aunty nani will definitely come visit you soon!
yang kurang menarik..
- my good friend's new born baby boy was diagnosed with a critical illness this week.. he was admitted to ICU 2 weeks back and still there.. the devastating mommy informed me today that her boy is now on life machine.. dear readers, please pray for adik Luqman..semoga Allah swt ringankan sakitnya dan semoga dia sembuh cepat.. and also pray for my dear friend.. semoga Allah swt berikan dia ketabahan dan kesabaran to go through this hard time dgn iman dan redha..
- he visited me!! ...left me smiling ear to ear :D
- all my siblings decided to celebrate raya at my house this year! yeye!! had a small bbq on mlm raya.. and dpt pegi solat raya :-)
- mq has safely delivered a healthy baby boy around 9pm 9 zulhijjah..(twin erina..hehehe) alhamdulillah! congrats! my first salam to little prince! aunty nani will definitely come visit you soon!
yang kurang menarik..
- my good friend's new born baby boy was diagnosed with a critical illness this week.. he was admitted to ICU 2 weeks back and still there.. the devastating mommy informed me today that her boy is now on life machine.. dear readers, please pray for adik Luqman..semoga Allah swt ringankan sakitnya dan semoga dia sembuh cepat.. and also pray for my dear friend.. semoga Allah swt berikan dia ketabahan dan kesabaran to go through this hard time dgn iman dan redha..
Sunday, December 7, 2008
9 zulhijjah
3 yrs back, you colored our Aidiladha with your pretty face sayang. Such a pleasant surprise. And I am so glad that I am here now, beside you at this moment. What could be more important than seeing your face on this special day.
Mummy love you so much Erina Aisyah.
May this be yet another blessful Aidiladha for us all.
Mummy love you so much Erina Aisyah.
May this be yet another blessful Aidiladha for us all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
