continue praying my friend

ok. thot nak habis kan baca buku. tp dah tak larat and pening kepala dah. erina dah tido.

i went to visit kawan yg anak dia masuk icu tuh on Tuesday since still cuti lagi. kesiannya tengok dia. it broke my heart to see her in that condition actually, and biasa la everytime pegi hospital, sure otak ni akan keep on recall semua bende la kan. the nice memories and not so nice ones. her baby was warded at the same hospital erina was born. so i tried to keep my mind more on the nicer ones as much as possible.

all the way to the hospital, i was kind of scared. scared what if she cried. that's not the main thing actually.. the real thing is what if i am the one yg nangis? ye la dgn lately ni the emotional part of me always overflow je kan. but then, i convinced myself, i really want to do this. to be there with her.. at least for a few minutes pun jadila. i know i am making a lot of assumptions here. while most ppl may think "taknak la kacau dia.. she wants to be alone".. i think differently.. well, i admit, mula2 i have that kind of feeling too.. but i just didn't feel right.. and when i received her email, i knew i was definitely wrong. i should have listened to my heart. was i not there at almost the same spot where she is now some time ago? and what did i want? having ppl close to me around or ppl to leave me go through it alone? the former was always the better option (provided they are not in my "leave-me-alone" list la of course!) so the email was a good sign that i'm not in her "leave-me-alone" list.. without second thought, i drove my car to spend some time with her..

the depression i sense from her email was reflected in her face. i pity her. i seriusly feel like hugging her, but thinking that could be a trigger for tears, i just smile. first thing that cross my mind -> she wasn't really there. she's in the icu room with her boy. second -> how lucky the baby is, to be loved that much!! and third -> alhamdulillah, Allah swt bless her with strength to still be able to stand and greet me.. to still be able to think wisely. i don't know how other people may look at it, but to me, she's brave.. she's brave to let her worried shows on her face but still could hide it in her voice. unlike myself.. i was not brave enough to express myself that way.. i was always equiped with the smile trying very hard not to let even a trace of worried or weakness on my face or in the voice. i welcomed whoever come to visit with a smile.. she on the other hand is putting a neutral face, but i can sense the worried.. not the weak type of worried. but the full of hope and full of love kind.. she just needs a little bit of support.. we chat for almost 2hours or more.. and as we talked, i slowly see some "life" in that neutral face.. but oh boy, she is strong! you can't expect her to be hopping around as if nothing happen kan.. the one you love so much, your bundle of joy is fighting for his world.. no matter how much you try to be positive and keep your spirit high, there will be time when you feel so down when tears seems the only thing that can come near you.. i told her, what i believe.. i believe that tears don't always mean weakness.. tears more often than not, mean love and how much something or someone means to me.. it's beyond any language in this imperfect world can represent.. it's from the heart, into the nerves and naturally result in tears.. but of course, as a muslim, there is certain limit to cry out your tears.. so keep within that line, continue praying and never ever give up! insya Allah.. Allah swt will always keep you close to Him..

i may have been there, in the same shoes... but i just couldn't even start to imagine how she must be feeling at this moment.. i dare not compare her experience with mine.. all i can do is to try to accept and understand what she feels, what she thinks, and how she chooses to deal with it.. because there are some similarities in the main points, yet the details can be so much different.. i just share my experience and how i deal with it.. and i know she's wise enough to copy whichever fit for her.. and modify where necessary.. and perhaps that can inspire her to draw her own strategy..

i am happy to receive yet another email from her last night telling me she felt a bit relief having the chance to talk to someone who understands.. i thank Allah swt for giving me the strength to actually be there and again, as always put a brave front.. it was not as hard as i thought it would be..

"setiap yang terjadi ade hikmahnya" may be too cliche.. but i just couldn't agree more.. while we normally think of how it will benefit ourselves, we should try to think in a different angle.. the hikmah bukan hanya utk kita saja.. tp mungkin utk org lain jugak.. i'm happy that my experience one way or another has helped a friend.. to listen, to understand, to give her some support.. though i doubt any of that can restore her baby's health... i guess, that part I leave it to Allah swt to decide the best and as a friend, as a muslim.. i will continously doa for her and her boy..