why not me

i am not feeling well since yesterday. the tears seem unstoppable for whatever reason my mind can think of. and of course, the "i wish"," if only", "what if" top the list.. the 'analysis' going on in my mind drained my energy more than the cold itself!! i thought lying in bed could help me to recover. not! unfortunately it didn't manage to put my brain to rest.

so i was googling when i came across a sister's blog who is now fighting with breastcancer.. i shed a lot more tears as i read how she described the pain, the side effect from the chemo, the emotional ups and downs.. but alhamdulillah she has a wonderful husband and family at her side.. comparing myself and herself, i feel ashamed.. my cold is only like 0.0000001% of her suffering.. yet here i am whining and grumbling.. how ungrateful.. i wonder if Allah swt is actually answering my question -- why him, and not myself? perhaps I don't have what it takes to be at that special place...that's why..

to me, people like that sister, like abang, and everyone else who Allah swt has tested with such illness are indeed the chosen ones.. Allah swt will not burden us with something we can't bear or tolerate.. i witnessed the sufferings, the battle that abang went through and it ripped my heart out knowing that another soul is walking the same path.. i couldn't even begin to imagine being in their place but i am sure Allah swt has a good reason for writing that down in their "book".. i pray patience will keep them strong and if everything else hurts, at least I hope they can always find comfort in Allah swt promise - "Sesungguhnya diberi ganjaran orang sabar dengan pahala tanpa hisab." (Surah az-Zumar; 10)... and that goes as a reminder to myself too..