enough is enough

i have too many problems, too many issues going on that i couldn't solve. it's just too much and the only way i am still able to wake up and stand on my feet is by telling myself it's not important and not worth it. i make myself busy, keep myself busy hoping that all the space in my brain are occupied by all other things, something that i know how to handle. something that can make me feel tired but don't hurt me. i want to be nice to people but how can i manage when it's eating up myself. does that look like i'm not being sincere when i do things? honestly, i am totally lost what "sincere" is supposed to mean. i would like to think that sincere is when you do something and don't hope anything in return. but "anything" to me are both - good and bad. when i got really sick of people who keep expecting me to be "the nice person" all the time, does that mean all the things i've done before were not sincere? i don't expect people to look after me like a baby, i can take care of myself just fine. but that doesn't mean i can be a superwoman to care for everything in the world. do they want to see me cry my eyes out, or see me lay flat on my bed not able to wake up, or wait until i don't have anymore plastic smile to put on or even threaten to commit suicide, then only they will understand that enough is enough??? i'm tired. i'm exhausted. i don't even have energy to breathe. i'm no longer confused. i'm tired of being confused. i just want to be selfish. i just want to think about myself, how to please myself, how to not make myself crazy. if that's gonna hurt other people, then be it! i'm tired of hurting myself. i give in.

i miss you very much..