going there again..

last year and early this year, i really really wish it's not gonna happen. when they started talking about it, i have already set a plan to tell the boss upfront that i wouldn't be able to make it. the thought of being a few timezones away from her kept on reminding me of the unbearable separation. i couldn't. i was not ready. besides, the thought that he was sick the last time i was there kills me. you know.. how i wish i knew. how i wish i didn't go. how i wish i was not that excited to go and leave him behind to go through the minor surgery alone! i couldn't even imagine how he was SHIVERING LIKE HELL..ALONE (!!!!) in the room downstairs while everyone happily watching tv upstairs.. i could still remember he said "sedih.. demam sorang2.. menggigil sorang2.. kalau nani ade sure nani akan temankan.. i miss you so much.."

just another 7 days genap 20 months he left me.. i just left her a few weeks back.. it turned out quite ok and not something i couldn't handle.. perhaps knowing that she's awake when i'm awake, she's asleep when i closed my eyes, rasa mcm lega sikit.. we could probably meet somewhere, some time in the dream world.. so last week, when the news spread that we'll be visiting the place again, i was kind of teruja.. but, unfortunately, it didn't last long..

the conversation on air ticket, hotel, jacket, what to bring, where to get that, when, how to go there etc triggered a flash of not-so-welcomed memories... something i don't want to remember yet never ever i want to forget! the excitement is gone, even the smile! everything about it becomes very annoying! i couldn't stand seeing the eagerness in their faces and hearing the excitement in the voice! why am i not as excited? ok perhaps they are looking forward to the "side plan" that's already well lined up (on co. expense... certain part of them..hehe) no i'm not jealous. it's me who chose to come back. i insist to be with her on that important day!

i thought i was ready to wake up when she's probably having her afternoon sleep. that's me trying to think simple and limit the thinking. but the truth is.. it's more than that.. now i'm thinking.... he's not gonna accompany me do some shopping, he's not gonna stand there watching me trying those 20 jackets and give comments and select one for me. he won't be there to tell me what type of shoes i should buy, what else i need to keep me warm. he's not gonna annoy me anymore with his 100 times reminder how many hand luggage i carry, he won't be there to answer me when i ask "eh, besar sgt tak bag ni? poyo tak pegi kejap tp bwk bag besar giler?", he won't be there to prepare my vitamin supply, my first aid.. he won't be driving to the airport... and definitely no goodbye kiss and hugs this time...

and though i've lost my beloved full-of-sentimental-values phonis (couldn't write about this loss without being sentimental.. so better don't start..), i can still remember some sms he sent me related to that last trip...

"sorry tak dpt tunggu nani pagi nih. i will send you to airport tonight.. biz class for biz trip.. bukan training"
-that friday morning he has a meeting with customer in KL. so we went to office in separate cars.. and he always was so jeles that we got to travel in biz class...

"i miss you already..tiba2 betul2 terasa nani dah pergi.. biasa malam2 mcm ni ade.. jaga diri bebaik ye sayang.. enjoy your trip"
-the first sms i got when i reached scp airport.. i wish i can forward that sms back to him now..

"it's ok.. make sure you don't lose important stuff your passport, wallet.. beli je yg lain a good one kat sana.. no regret.. don't worry..."
-he sms me after i gave him a short call to say i left my jacket at the biz lounge KLIA (i think..yeah, despite all the reminders!!)... and believe it or not.. this is among the initial instinct triggered that something was wrong or going to be wrong.. he's never this cool.. at least not without all the bebel first..


i couldn't even start thinking about reaching there, being there.. but good thing is we'll be staying in different hotel, going to different office...i don't think i want to sit at the same place from where i made a call to him... or where i sat chatting on ym with him.. if i really have to do this.. (yeah.. it's kind of confirmed now..).. i hope it won't be so 'cruel' to me.. it won't be so "torturing"...

i miss you so much more................