i woke up with a very weird "idea" in mind.. "i need to kemaskan his baju kat dlm almari kat umah SA and all his other stuff"............. then got into the bathroom and had a glance at his aftershave. for a split second, tried to imagine it's no longer there.. no..it didn't feel right..
all the way to office i kept on "evaluating".. is this one of those "crazy" days or i'm seriusly serius??? tried to recall what i saw in my dream last night that could have been the trigger for this. blank.
instead of continuing my search for the "why", i tried to think of "how".. not how i'm gonna do it, but more of how it's gonna be like.. how "empty" my closet will be without his office shirts, his favourite sweaters, his daily tshirts, his collection of e// and m// tshirts, his khakhis and jeans, his shorts, his baju melayu... not seeing his toilettries in the bathroom won't be a good start to my day i suppose.. how does it feel not being able to smell his aftershave.. his perfume..how does it feel not seeing his shoes in the shoerack.. well, no, i'm not hoping him to come back (ok ..sometimes i do..) by now i am very sure he's not coming back..and i know (more than anyone) that he's gone..
i know, it doesn't look/feel/sound right to some people.. or semua org pun rasa cam tuh? or perhaps it doesn't sound right even to myself? but right now, i'm just so scared.. so afraid to constantly be reminded that he's no longer around.. that he has left.. not having his stuff around me will only make me feel even more alone and lonely..and it's just so freaking scary..
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6 comments:
its scary yes. but keep his smells. it helps.
in my bathroom i have 2 toothbrushes, 2 shavers, a can of shaving cream, and no, they are not all mine. His clothes didn't go into boxes until late last year. I am hoping my son would grow into his dad's kain pelekat soon.
kak lilinbiru,
his aftershave smell kept me company the whole day at the office yesterday. it did help, indeed.
kak petite,
thank you and thank you for sharing. it put a wide smile on my face!so happy to know there's someone out there who understands how it feels. not that donating and giving away his stuff is a wrong thing to do. but i guess it's just another way of dealing with it. thank you again!!
Actually, I am very protective of his belongings....even though it took me 4 years to put his clothes in boxes, it never left the house. They are very much still with me. Kadang kadang fikir, memang patut donate, before it rots away. At least, dapat jugak pahala, insya'Allah. Still holding on to his stuff though.
same here -- shaving cream, cologne, contact lens solutions etc are still in my bathroom, clothes still in my closet and shoes tucked in the drawers. I haven't given ANY of the clothes away, tho' I do feel like what petite n powerful said: dapat jugak pahala kalau sedekah. Not ready yet. And I wear his t-shirts to bed.
I HAVE TO give away his favourite watch and some t-shirts just few weeks after he passed.. it was very-very torturing! so, for the rest, i think i'm gonna take my own time...
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