February 14th, 2007

we woke up quite early that morning. Abang mandi dulu. The moment he stepped out from the shower, he hugged me..still smiling..i think masa tu, we were being very careful with our words.. not knowing what to say, we just hoped that we only say "the right thing"..
then around 8am, we were ready to go. We gave Erina hugs and kisses and he said "Erina doakan daddy ok ye..". Zamri drove us to the hospital and never ever crossed my mind that was going to be our last trip together. sampai hospital, we headed to the emergency unit..abg was very weak at that time.. maybe sbb sakit pun sama and sbb worried pun sama... he hold my hands sampai la kat ER.. we have a referral letter from the clinic..on the envelope, it said "URGENT". While the guy at the counter filling up some form on his screen, i excused myself and went to the ladies.I think I only left them about 10 mins, but when I came back they were gone. panik and cuak gile and i asked the ladies kat counter nearby, and of course their simplest answer was "we don't know". i suspected they entered the ER already. Blaming myself for leaving him there, I stood in front of the ER entry and dlm hati "pls, someone kluar..pls.." God answered my prayers. The ER automatic door opened and how relief I was to see that guy walked towards me. There were a few payments nak kena settle. Then the guy let me entered the ER after i promised "saya masuk kejap je..nanti saya kluar blk.." i think he knew I lied.
It was very quiet in the ER and there were only a few nurses at the counter. then i saw abg in one of the partitions.. u could never imagine how i felt to see him with all the wires..drip..blood..is this the guy who took care of me and never failed to remind me makan my vitamins..minum susu..he's supposed to be the healthiest person on earth..but now, why is he here.. he's still smiling but i know him so well to know what he felt inside.. then the doctorSSS start asking me questions.. some are stupid questions which make me think "do you have to say that now? can't you say something more pleasant..or at least put it in a much much nicer ways??" i was only allowed in the room once in a while..but the room/partition only tutup ngan curtain ..so i just stood there watching one doctor after another came to inspect him.. from their reaction, i can sense something is wrong.. uncle z came soon after that.. lucky he knew the doctors there..so cepatla sikit the process tu.. tak byk soal sgt like before..i asked uncle z, "based on the blood test..how is his condition?" he smiled, and said.."it's ok..kita tengok dulu doctor ckp apa".. at that moment.. my heart knew.. something is definitely wrong!!after the ER doctors dah explain apa nak buat, uncle left..then there I was.. alone,trying to stay calm seboleh mungkin.. once in a while i went to the other room and cried.. abg still kat dlm bilik tu with the doctors.. sekali tu tgh nangis, the ER doc came.. then she was like "are you ok?"..all i could say.."i don't know".. then she said "it's not confirm yet.. don't worry so much.." then after dah settle with the insurance semua, it's time to go to the ward..abg as always still senyum and refuse bila the nurse ask him to sit in the wheelchair.. but the doc insist..so that was his first wheelchair ride..
sampai kat level 7, nurse tolak abg masuk bilik while i settle the registration and entah apa bende la lagi..after that i joined him in the room.. we chat..crack some jokes..and never say a word about what happened kat ER just now..tak lama lepas tuh zamri came bwk bubur for abang.. abang taknak makan the bubur while i memang tak makan bubur (and soup too..i'm kind of weird when it comes to food..) nasib baik la ade lunch hospital..nasi minyak ayam masak merah.. since dua-dua kelaparan and takde bende lain nak makan.. we share the nasi minyak :-) (and many more meals after that..somehow mcm sedap plak food hospital) after makan, prof and her MO came.. she didn't have any good news for us.. but she shed some light, at least.. we were briefed about his blood test results..what it meant.. what will happen.. etc.. time tu, knowing there's something that can be done is good enough for us..then after prof left, abg kata dia nak tido..penat.. i said i want to go downstairs jap.. nak cari air and make some phone calls..turun bwh, jln fastest i can sampai kat lobby.. call chool and there i was..menangis like some crazy woman..people gave me one kind of look (ye la who wouldn't dah nangis mcm apa je kan..)..but i don't care.. dah tahan dr last night lagi.. cried and cried and cried..mcm takleh stop.. then after some time, naik atas balik, and of course what else do i need to do to the one who never fail to smile at me?? i smile back.. FIL stop by that afternoon.. and he cried.. i'm not sure where i got the strength at the moment..with my own condition, i hv to calm him down..i hope i said the right thing...that moment i knew, many many more challenges are coming my way and i just need to be strong..i don't know how i'm gonna do it, but i have to.. i cannot let myself join all the people yg bersedih.. i just can't.. i need to stay strong..for him..ade a few other people yg dtg ptg tu including my parents yg baru arrived.. lagi la rasa mcm nak nangis..and nadd, my old fren who was diagnosed with same illness 3 yrs back..thanks nadd! appreciate it so much!!
that night i don't eat, there's nothing to eat.. i let him have the hospital food all to himself and promised him i'll go find some other things to eat later.. we slept quite early that night..around 10pm.. i slept on kerusi panjang warna merah dgn kusyen yg keras tuh.. but at that moment, there's no other more comfortable place i'd rather be than where i was.. with him, right before my eyes.. and God knows where my mind wander after that..