February 13th, 2007

i tried not to recall, but i just couldnt help it..

that morning before we left for office, he complain that his left eye vision was still very blur despite the new lenses. Approximately around 10am i called to remind him to confirm the appointment for the house 2nd inspection. he told me the clinic called asking him to collect the blood test results that day itself.sounds urgent but i think we didn't take that seriusly enough.he wanted to have lunch with me. then i spent the rest of the morning googling on "sudden bruises" and things related to it. we were chatting while having our lunch at terminal when i noticed something in his left eye "eh, apa dlm mata abg tu eh? mcm ade dots kat outter side mata kiri very near to mata hitam"..and he started to go a little bit nervous i think "betul ke..i told you my vision mmg blur giler..eh takut la.. i think abg nak pegi check la.." he sent me back to the office (i hv meeting at 1pm) and he drove to the nearby clinic at streetmall.around 3.30 he came to pick me up as we have an appointment at 4pm with the house developer. we fetched Erina and made our way to SA. The inspection didn't take long. Instead of going back to office we went home right away as he was unwell. We reached home and three of us terus tido sampai petang. Around 6.30, he was all ready to go to the dentist (to get 2nd opinion coz the pain from the minor surgery didn't seem to go away) then collect the blood test.myself and Erina were still golek2 in the living hall. he decided to go alone sbb takut lama sgt nanti tunggu kat klinik..kesian erina (knowing him..). around 10 minutes after he left, i got a sms from him "Dr azizah kuar kejap le pulak" then i was busy mandikan erina..then i received next sms "dah kat klinik..tgh tunggu turn"..i called him tanya what the dentist said and we decided to have dinner kat Dollis.. and i guess that was the last coversation we had without the fear of losing..tgh bersiap to go for dinner, my phone rang, and i can say after about 10 yrs we've been together, that was the one call i wish he didn't even have to make.. "sayang..ade berita tak baik sikitla.." and everything he said during that call rasa mcm just fly through me..i wanted to pick him up at the clinics(i just so badly wanted to hug him at that point of time), but he said he would drive back himself..i couldn't remember what i did while waiting for him..all i could picture now is seeing him at the door dgn muka yg sgt nervous, but still so calm and still smiling.. he hugged me and Erina, then i started packing erina's stuff nak blk umah BTHO (term we use to refer to his parents' house). i remember he took erina into the car while me angkat barang2 semua and kunci rumah (which is very unusual.. it's always the other way round..but not that night..) i drove and all the way to his parents' he kept on talking to Erina, i know he's just trying to act calm..at his parents, he broke the news..and start la all the panics..especially the parents.. we discussed what to do next and next thing i knew the parents decided that the mum will accompany him to the hospital..sad i really was but i just kept my mouth shut.. and that's when i heard the thing i really wanted to hear..."no, afiz nak nani yang temankan afiz gi hospital.."
we had dinner there, his mum masak nasi goreng(by this time not really in the mood nak makan pun actually)..then we drove to cbj nak ambik my things..since ptg tu i actually went MIA from office, i left all my stuff including his ING card at the office. it's good also in a way..at least that gave us chance to be alone after the breaking news and start talking heart to heart and away from all the panic kat umah..God knows what we talked while in the car. At the office, i started calling my boss in NL. he didn't pick up so i just sent him an email. while waiting for me in the car, he started calling/smsing his insurance agent..his boss,his friend..then we went back to our house to pack our stuff as we expect that he's going to be admitted at least for 3days.. he turned on his notebook and started sending emails to his boss and colleagues..me, yg dr tadi act calm, called my mum from the room and started crying..God knows how i really wanted to hug him and let my heart out..but i just have to tell myself, that wouldn't help at all and it would make things worse..we decided to spend the night at his parents (though personally i prefer to stay at our own house so we can have more time heart to heart)..we reached BTHO almost 1am..erina dah tido dah pun kat family hall kat atas..and he told me.. "sayang is it ok if we let erina tido ngan mummy for tonight.. abg want to be alone with you tonight".. it melt my heart.. and that was the last night we share the same bed..and that night, i made a promise to myself.. no matter what happen, i'll be strong, i'll be whatever he needed me to be and i will always be there..for him..

Rest in peace sayang.. you are always in my prayers and in my heart..only God knows how much I love you and what the world is like for me without you..