another day off

i have an appointment with e/ today.went there with my father. went home after that. made few calls to the banks to ask about the claim progress. overall, almost ok except one or two things that still ongoing..very slowly..
i think people are getting bored with me.. i somehow feel that they are trying to "run away" from me. perhaps they are bored to hear the same stories again and again..you know that kind of look and response.."here goes the same thing again.." and even from the reply i got when i chat on YM.it hurts actually to receive such cold response.. but i don't blame them..they have their own problems and i should not have bothered them with mine. but sometimes, i just want to have someone to talk to..someone who is willing to lend their ears for me.. i don't hope them to understand or crash their head to think for a solution or advise..i just hope they would listen and 'act' as if they are interested and symphatize...well, that may still require some effort i guess..i feel so sad..really..as if I'm totally alone and no one cares..sometimes i find myself 'acting' ok just to keep up with others..otherwise no one would want to befriend with me or chat with me..when i think back, that's why he was and IS so special to me.he knows me well..he knows what i need in different kind of mood/condition! he was always there to listen..even though at times i talk craps..he knows when he just needs to listen or when he really needs to come out with some advise or suggestion..i miss him so much!!! hey you people, thank you so much for your concern and support.. i really do appreciate it. i know you've done so much for me..and i wouldn't ask for more.i'm truly sorry if i bored you with my stories and my problems..i will try not to bother you..if i still do, just knock my head and yell at my face! i'm not surprised if you pray that i disappear from your life..as sometimes i, myself wish i do..just like he suddenly dissappeared from mine..

perpisahan by Anuar Zain

"..kuharungi hari demi hari
bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali
tapi hati masih tak terima
ditinggalkan sengsara..

keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
perasaan hati masih rindu
kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku
tercari-cari bayanganmu
tak sanggup aku kehilangan..

masih tercari-cari..
keraguan ini bukanlah padamu
masih tercari-cari bayanganmu
tak sanggup aku..
kehilanganmu..."

our one fine day

today is our 3rd anniversary..still remember what happened that night..still remember so many people came to me to tell me that he looked so handsome! as if i didn't know:-) he always was so handsome!but it would be a big mistake to mention that in front of him!!
before the day, we always referred to the special day as "our one fine day"..well,syukur Alhamdulilah that our "one fine day" finally came true..we were so very excited.i went to a few of my friends' wedding and i saw some of the bride actually cried on their nikah day/night..but the scenario was totally different in my case, i was so very excited!! i did cry a little that evening before I got ready when I hugged my mum..other than that, i was smiling ear to ear!! and same goes to him! we were the smiling couple!! ingat lagi how he betulkan my hair before he kissed me on my forehead! that was so romantic!! pastu dengan dia terkial2 nak pakaikan rantai yg halus tuh..but yg paling sedih was when he has to go back to the hotel that night.. of course he was reluctant (hahaha!!) but what to do..until my mum perli lagi.. "macam tak nak balik je.."..
for the past few days, i looked back at our wedding photos..and don't know how many times i rewind our wedding video presentation that I made myself specially for our wedding reception at Dewan Perdana Felda..and don't know how many times i broke into tears..i still remember after the reception some people actually complaint that the video took so long and some how wasted quite some time..how could they say that??but then we thought, so what??it's our special day!! and now, I am reassured that it was worth the effort!! it was truly a wonderful one and beautifully produced (not because i was the animator&editor)!!though not exactly, but at least it briefly pictured how so much in love we were (and ARE!!)!!
those are memories that I will keep with me forever sayang..and of course I will share it with our Erina when the right time comes.. i love you so very much before and i love you so very much, even more, now!! we'll meet again one day..insya Allah...amin..

little Erina

just not in the mood today..went back to bed after Subuh prayer.. looked at that cute little face of Erina Aisyah beside me.. kissed her a few times.. just didn't get enough..i like it when we're sharing the same pillow!!she will come very-very close to me, put her face just right beside mine and insist that I hug her..it's a really nice feeling! sometimes her act kind of telling me that she'll always be beside me to accompany me..to cheer me up when i'm down..to remind me how to smile..and to remind me that if she can be so strong, why can't I?? thank you dear..mummy love you so much!!

not the same

how fast time flies kan.. tak sangka dah 2 bln..i just feel like it just happened yesterday.. keep thinking what i have been doing past 2 mths..how am I now? well really, i don't know how to describe..but alhamdulillah i managed to do a few stuff that I have to do.. all those bank stuff, loans.. the LA..brought erina for check up..drive our Jazz myself, alone!!.. pegi his office..pegi my office..and actually pegi that cyberjaya area!! that's quite an achivement i think..well, frankly i know and i'm confident that i can do all those stuff.. the thing that i can't do is to focus, stop thinking about him..stop missing him.. stop feeling so lost and down.. but when i think back, at least i can control myself from crying..except when i visit his grave..when i drive alone.. in the bathroom..well..that's good enough..when i'm sane, i can see all the rationale and hikmah behind all these.. but when i think about it too much, then i start to get too carried away.. you know sometimes the thought that he's no longer around just come.. but that's not all.. that thought always comes with.. he left me forever..i wont get to see him and hear his voice anymore..won't be able to do this and that with him..and i've lost him and i don't have him anymore!! but at different time, i feel so OK.. ok in the sense that i feel like nothing happened..that's the time when i feel like he's still around..he's just busy doing his work and don't have time to call me or email me..or sms me..or have lunch with me..and i'm gonna see him later in the evening..somehow i wonder whether all these mix feeling will affect me internally somehow..but then.. what the heck..it's already effecting my entire life.. as long as i still can wake up in the morning and take care of my beautiful Erina Aisyah..I'll take it..after all, i already told myself that i don't want to not miss him..i want to live with his thought...so I will.. even Rasullallah swt pun still rindukan Khadijah after 20years she left..and even after he had his other wives, he still couldn't forget Khadijah.. Rasullallah swt and Khadijah pun ada anak..but he still missed Khadijah..why? because anak would never be the same as life partner..suami/isteri tu is teman hidup...anak is penyeri rumahtangga.. i thank Allah swt and bersyukur sgt2 that I have Erina Aisyah..i love her with all my life..i will take a really good care of her..but she could never replace her daddy..it would never be the same.. let him be him..and let her be her..mummy love you Erina Aisyah because of everything you are sayang..i won't expect you to be his replacement.. i want you to fill up my life in your own special way sayang..i could never love you like i love your daddy..but believe me.. i love you so very much and nothing in this world can match!! but again.. people won't understand..no matter how much I try,it's just so hard to explain..they say they won't judge you..but they will, "unconciously"..so I just have to remind myself..Allah swt knows what I'm going through and only Allah swt knows how painful this is.. that's all that matters..He is the ONLY ONE who can help.. and I will pray and will beg for His kindness to guide me through this..insya Allah..amin..

miss you

i really really miss him..

live with his memories

just read an email from a friend.. it was a very simple email but enough to make me cry, finally.. the whole of today i was feeling very weak, very low, very not in the mood..actually it's not something different. it is so very ME eversince that day..i fought hard not to cry..but guess I failed..i'm not sure why i cry.. it's all mixed up.. miss him so much, still tak percaya he's gone forever..the "unknown" feeling tu keep coming back and i just couldnt fight it..i dont know myself anymore.this morning i drove to telekom shah alam..only Allah swt knows how i really wanted to just stay at home and layan perasaan..but guess i have to..guess i'm just trying to be strong and perhaps that's the least i can do..today i read all our love letters, cards and notes yg we all simpan since 1997!! that was 10 years back!we were so truly in love..and the best part is to realize how it doesnt change at all after all these years.. say i'm a liar, but that's the truth.. we still bagi notes or cards to each other..email.. in fact my last note for him was masa kat hospital..just wishing him well and to let him know he has all my love and support.. as if he didnt know.. but sometimes when you wrote it down on a piece of paper, it gave a different kind of feeling..well, that's what we always believe..and now i lost them all...thinking that it will never happen ever again really tear my heart into pieces..sometimes i feel that i'm waiting for his call..his sms.. which obviously not possible at all..well, many people told me that I need time to recover...well, frankly, deep inside me..I really don't wish myself to recover..whatever it is I need to recover from..don't get me wrong.. i know before this i always say I don't want to live anymore...well, now with some light that I believe Allah swt has given me..i take back my words.. i want to continue my life.. i want to move on because I believe there are reasons why Allah swt tentukan my nasib and takdir mcm nih..i'll be praying that Allah swt will continue give me strength and teguhkan my iman to go through it.. but I really wish to keep him very close in my heart.. i want to live with his thought and memories..it will make me suffer, maybe.. but i'll suffer more if I let them drift away..