live with his memories

just read an email from a friend.. it was a very simple email but enough to make me cry, finally.. the whole of today i was feeling very weak, very low, very not in the mood..actually it's not something different. it is so very ME eversince that day..i fought hard not to cry..but guess I failed..i'm not sure why i cry.. it's all mixed up.. miss him so much, still tak percaya he's gone forever..the "unknown" feeling tu keep coming back and i just couldnt fight it..i dont know myself anymore.this morning i drove to telekom shah alam..only Allah swt knows how i really wanted to just stay at home and layan perasaan..but guess i have to..guess i'm just trying to be strong and perhaps that's the least i can do..today i read all our love letters, cards and notes yg we all simpan since 1997!! that was 10 years back!we were so truly in love..and the best part is to realize how it doesnt change at all after all these years.. say i'm a liar, but that's the truth.. we still bagi notes or cards to each other..email.. in fact my last note for him was masa kat hospital..just wishing him well and to let him know he has all my love and support.. as if he didnt know.. but sometimes when you wrote it down on a piece of paper, it gave a different kind of feeling..well, that's what we always believe..and now i lost them all...thinking that it will never happen ever again really tear my heart into pieces..sometimes i feel that i'm waiting for his call..his sms.. which obviously not possible at all..well, many people told me that I need time to recover...well, frankly, deep inside me..I really don't wish myself to recover..whatever it is I need to recover from..don't get me wrong.. i know before this i always say I don't want to live anymore...well, now with some light that I believe Allah swt has given me..i take back my words.. i want to continue my life.. i want to move on because I believe there are reasons why Allah swt tentukan my nasib and takdir mcm nih..i'll be praying that Allah swt will continue give me strength and teguhkan my iman to go through it.. but I really wish to keep him very close in my heart.. i want to live with his thought and memories..it will make me suffer, maybe.. but i'll suffer more if I let them drift away..