not the same

how fast time flies kan.. tak sangka dah 2 bln..i just feel like it just happened yesterday.. keep thinking what i have been doing past 2 mths..how am I now? well really, i don't know how to describe..but alhamdulillah i managed to do a few stuff that I have to do.. all those bank stuff, loans.. the LA..brought erina for check up..drive our Jazz myself, alone!!.. pegi his office..pegi my office..and actually pegi that cyberjaya area!! that's quite an achivement i think..well, frankly i know and i'm confident that i can do all those stuff.. the thing that i can't do is to focus, stop thinking about him..stop missing him.. stop feeling so lost and down.. but when i think back, at least i can control myself from crying..except when i visit his grave..when i drive alone.. in the bathroom..well..that's good enough..when i'm sane, i can see all the rationale and hikmah behind all these.. but when i think about it too much, then i start to get too carried away.. you know sometimes the thought that he's no longer around just come.. but that's not all.. that thought always comes with.. he left me forever..i wont get to see him and hear his voice anymore..won't be able to do this and that with him..and i've lost him and i don't have him anymore!! but at different time, i feel so OK.. ok in the sense that i feel like nothing happened..that's the time when i feel like he's still around..he's just busy doing his work and don't have time to call me or email me..or sms me..or have lunch with me..and i'm gonna see him later in the evening..somehow i wonder whether all these mix feeling will affect me internally somehow..but then.. what the heck..it's already effecting my entire life.. as long as i still can wake up in the morning and take care of my beautiful Erina Aisyah..I'll take it..after all, i already told myself that i don't want to not miss him..i want to live with his thought...so I will.. even Rasullallah swt pun still rindukan Khadijah after 20years she left..and even after he had his other wives, he still couldn't forget Khadijah.. Rasullallah swt and Khadijah pun ada anak..but he still missed Khadijah..why? because anak would never be the same as life partner..suami/isteri tu is teman hidup...anak is penyeri rumahtangga.. i thank Allah swt and bersyukur sgt2 that I have Erina Aisyah..i love her with all my life..i will take a really good care of her..but she could never replace her daddy..it would never be the same.. let him be him..and let her be her..mummy love you Erina Aisyah because of everything you are sayang..i won't expect you to be his replacement.. i want you to fill up my life in your own special way sayang..i could never love you like i love your daddy..but believe me.. i love you so very much and nothing in this world can match!! but again.. people won't understand..no matter how much I try,it's just so hard to explain..they say they won't judge you..but they will, "unconciously"..so I just have to remind myself..Allah swt knows what I'm going through and only Allah swt knows how painful this is.. that's all that matters..He is the ONLY ONE who can help.. and I will pray and will beg for His kindness to guide me through this..insya Allah..amin..