the new year

i entered the new year with mix feelings.keep wondering how on earth did i survive these whole year..but I just have to admit, I'm so grateful to have been able to see Erina grew up before my eyes and the thought of her turning 2 next week, excite me. Sometimes I think it was her who gave me the courage I truly need..it was her who kept me sane..but it all happened with God's will.. she wouldn't have been there if God didn't say so..God took him away from me but I still have her to keep me company..with that, comes responsibilities on my shoulders..
as i recalled, being a mum had not been so hard with him around..i knew i could be "off-shift" (without feeling so guilty) and have the "other shift" to do the stuff for her..bath her, feed her, prepare the milk, put her to sleep..especially during "that period of the month" when all i wanted to do was lay on bed and have sound sleep.. but now, I feel like I have to monitor the world.. well, that's quite true..only that it's on way smaller scale.. it's HER world. yeah. I have to monitor her world until she's capable to do so on her own. which by then, i may be too comfortable managing her world, that I may not be able to let go to let her take over..that scares me..but i know i shouldn't have worried about it now as i may not even be here tomorrow..all I know before she turns 18 (or is it 21?) she'll have my eyes on her, whether she likes it or not.. hehe!nah..i have always dreamed of becoming a supercool mum like Lorelai Gilmore, with such "bonding" with Erina like she has with Rory. I want Erina to love me because she loves me..whatever that means :-)